


Unconsidered Trifles

by mundungus42



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alliteration, F/M, HP: EWE, Humor, M/M, Multi, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-26
Updated: 2012-03-26
Packaged: 2017-11-02 13:43:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 36,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/369618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mundungus42/pseuds/mundungus42
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When taking their N.E.W.T.s becomes contingent on completing a Ministry approved curriculum, the students rebel, catching the teachers in the crossfire.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Summer 2007 round of the sshgexchange on LiveJournal for Sylvanawood, who prompted thus: The war is over, Snape is redeemed, and all the seventh-years who dropped out because of the war are given the chance to sit their N.E.W.T.s. To prepare them for that, there will be a special school, where some teachers give speed-courses. Hermione is attending, of course. Snape is there, teaching DADA and Potions. You chose the other teachers. The setting shouldn't be Hogwarts but some other place, probably castle, in Britain. Romance would be nice but isn't necessary.

Professor Ezekiel Tofty, newly installed head of the Wizarding Examinations Authority, was carefully weighing his words when the door burst open to admit an irate teacher for the third time in as many days.

"I have had enough!" the intruder announced, flinging a scroll of parchment on Tofty's desk. It knocked into the base of his delicate brass scales and scattered his precisely measured consonant clusters across his desk.

Tofty waved his wand and sent the scattered words back to their appropriate containers and gestured for the man to sit. "Professor Cyphre. What can I do for you?"

"In all my years teaching, I have never encountered the like! Look!" Cyphre tapped his hand impatiently on the scroll he had deposited on Tofty's desk.

Tofty unrolled the parchment gingerly, fearful of what might burst out at him. He breathed a sigh of relief when he encountered a standard student essay written in a neat hand. He looked quizzically at Cyphre. "It appears to be a Runes assignment."

"It is an insult, I tell you! An insult!" shouted Cyphre.

Tofty skimmed the first paragraphs. Ostensibly, the paper compared runes from different civilisations in terms of their structure and function. He was surprised to note that the student even referred to Cyphre's own research. It was advanced work, to be sure, but he was still in the dark as to why Cyphre was in high dudgeon.

"My dear man, please sit down. I'll have some tea brought up."

"I will NOT sit or have tea!" protested Cyphre. "As a decorated expert in the field of Ancient Runes, I do not need to put up with this kind of treatment. From a mere schoolgirl, no less!"

Tofty felt a headache coming on. He had a sinking feeling he knew exactly who the "mere schoolgirl" was. "Professor Cyphre, kindly explain to me what all this fuss is about. I must confess that I see nothing wrong."

Cyphre pressed an ink-stained fingertip to a symbol on the first page. "Look at the runes she's chosen, man! That should tell you all you need to know."

The angle sign, which indicated work or energy, was her first example; nothing terribly unusual about that, considering that it had existed in nearly every ancient civilization. He glanced at the others- some were certainly from unusual families, to be sure, but he didn't see anything insulting about it. Unless...

Each of the runes bore an unmistakable similarity to letters in the English alphabet, and they seemed to spell out "wanker."

"Oh dear."

"And the conclusion! Sheer insolence!"

Tofty read:

_Certainly, these examples indicate that  
Runes and symbols, even those sep-  
arated by millennia and vast oceans,  
point to an underlying structural voc-  
abulary that may be used to extrapolate fu-  
nctions of newer symbols in the divinatory  
arts. This conclusion is supported by ana-  
lyses from experts ranging from Eg-  
yptian scribes (Set, 1295 BC) to current  
scholarsCyphre, 1998), and will undoubt-  
edly prove true with additional experiments,  
such as combining various fields of study.  
However, in order for such a supposition to be  
actualised, interdisciplinary scholars  
have to learn to read between the lines,  
as it were._

Tofty frowned at the narrow piece of parchment, unsure of what he was to be looking for. Then he noticed the first letter of every line. C, R, A, P...

"Oh dear," he said again, dabbing his forehead with a handkerchief.

"Precisely!" crowed Cyphre. "And this is why I am tendering my resignation, effective immediately!"

Tofty rose from his desk with alarm. "Professor Cyphre, please reconsider. These children were traumatised by the war, their childhoods stunted as early adulthood was forced upon them. It is only natural for them to be angry. It is up to the adults of the Wizarding World to set an example. You must not take the bait, dear sir. The children may seem ungrateful, but you must be patient. You must continue to teach."

"I must do no such thing," retorted Cyphre, "and that girl is no child. She is a human-shaped harpy with no respect for her betters, a canker that would eat any rosebush alive!"

"She is a heroine," said Tofty, a bit louder. "She made enormous personal sacrifices-"

"-And has done nothing with her newfound fame but sabotage her own education!"

"But her assignments, Professor! Has she turned them in on time?"

"She- well, yes," Cyphre grudgingly admitted.

"Has the content, other than the mischievous layout, been satisfactory?"

"I see what you are doing," said Cyphre with a mulish look on his face.

"But do you see what she's doing?" asked Tofty. "She's doing everything to the letter of the law so you cannot fairly give her low marks. She participates in class, but only in mocking or sullen tones. She reads all your scholarly output and points out weaknesses. In short, she is doing everything she can to drive you off, in hopes that she and her friends will be allowed to sit their N.E.W.T.s immediately without completing the Examination Authority's required preparation classes. For her own sake and the sake of the Wizarding Examinations Authority, she must not be allowed to succeed."

Cyphre narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "How do you know so much about it?"

"Because," said Tofty, massaging the bridge of his nose, "she's already managed to drive off the Potions and Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers using the same tactics. Even their temporary replacements are threatening to quit!"

"Then, Professor Tofty, it seems to me that if you want any of these children to succeed on their N.E.W.T.s, you will need to remove the girl from the school. On that day, you may call me and I will return to teach. Until then, I have a number of willing students lined up to benefit from my expertise. Good day, sir."

"Professor Cyphre! Wait!"

But Professor Cyphre had already slammed the door behind him.

Tofty forced himself to wait five minutes before placing a Floo call to Minerva McGonagall.

o0o

Hogwarts Headmistress Minerva McGonagall was just sitting down to an end-of-week toddy when the head of the Wizarding Examinations Authority appeared, looking despondent, for the third time in as many days.

"Merciful heavens," she exclaimed. "Don't tell me she's got rid of another one!"

"Cyphre of Ancient Runes," Tofty admitted mournfully. "Taught for thirty years at Durmstrang."

"Alas, no match for Miss Granger," said McGonagall, pursing her lips.

"If you'd consent to teach them at Hogwarts, we wouldn't be in this mess."

The headmistress conjured him a drink with a flick of her wand. "If you'd let them sit the N.E.W.T.s without having to endure these absurd revision sessions, you wouldn't be in this mess. I am certain that Miss Granger could have earned at least four N.E.W.T.s at the beginning of her fifth year if she'd been allowed to sit them."

"I've told you before, Minerva, no one is allowed to sit the N.E.W.T.s without first completing a Ministry-approved curriculum. The Ministry cannot afford to pay examiners the extra time that would be necessary to examine any riff-raff off the street who want to take the tests. We would be overrun!"

"And I've told you before, Hogwarts is already overrun. We simply cannot accommodate them. The school suffered extensive structural damage during the final battle, and a number of our faculty and staff are gone. We're still housing dozens in the Hospital Wing because St. Mungo's is filled past capacity. It cannot have failed to escape your notice that the Ministry has denied all of our requests for additional funding to support the war convalescents."

Tofty sighed. "No, it hasn't."

"I know it wasn't your decision, but it should still come as no surprise that Hogwarts is less than quick to jump to the Ministry's aid, especially when the Ministry is caught in a snare of its own devising."

"I thought that Granger, Potter, and Weasley were favourites of yours, Minerva. It does surprise me that you're doing nothing to help them."

"They are hardly helpless. In fact, I believe it is precisely their formidable skills that are giving you trouble. Ezekiel, you're a good man, and I know you've done your best since Madam Marchbanks passed on, but if you aren't able to convince the Ministry to make an exception for war heroes, then there's very little I am willing or able to do to aid you."

"I've done what I can, Minerva," said Tofty softly. "Nowadays, it seems as if all I can do is submit recommendations and hope for the best. If I were to pull any strings on Potter's behalf, it might attract the bureaucrats' attention, which would be the end of what little influence I have."

"I'm sorry, Ezekiel. I do appreciate your difficulty, but my hands are tied."

"Call it a fool's hope," said Tofty, draining his glass. "No matter. I don't suppose you can recommend any experts in Potions, Defence Against the Dark Arts, or Ancient Runes who are either masochistic or have a stubborn streak the size of an Ironbelly's foraging radius?"

She took a sip of her drink and gazed up at the wall of former headmasters and headmistresses of Hogwarts before answering. "What if I told you I knew just the men for the job?"

"I would fall to my knees and ask for your hand in marriage."

"That won't be necessary," said McGonagall, flushing becomingly. "And I'd hate for you to have to rescind the offer once you hear what I have in mind."

Tofty laughed mirthlessly. "My dear Minerva, I'd let You-Know-Who himself teach Defence if it meant that Miss Granger wouldn't be able to frighten him off!"

"Delighted to hear it," said McGonagall briskly. "However, as Tom is no longer with us, I thought I would suggest two of his former associates."

"I can have the contracts delivered by owl this evening if you think-" He cut off suddenly and blanched. "Death Eaters?"

"Former Death Eaters," McGonagall clarified. "Heavens, man, there's no need to look so panicked. Your vacancies couldn't be more fortuitous. Severus Snape is a Potions Master and taught Defence for a year at Hogwarts. Lucius Malfoy's personal library has a finer selection of runes resources than any other collection in Europe. In spite of his rather foppish appearance, the man is every bit as formidable as Severus and nearly as clever."

"But Death Eaters, Minerva! You can't possibly expect me to entrust the future career of the Chosen One-"

"Former Death Eaters who were exonerated by a full session of the Wizengamot, I'll remind you," said McGonagall, sharply.

Tofty's brow wrinkled impressively. "I work for the Ministry, Minerva. I am well aware of its shortcomings."

"Considering that your current problems are being caused by the terrible triumvirate, I should think you would be delighted by the prospect of having teachers who will not be intimidated by them," said McGonagall tartly.

Tofty shook his head resolutely. "I refuse to put children in the hands of those killers, Minerva, and frankly I'm shocked that you would suggest it. Their exoneration only proves how dangerously influential these men already are, and I don't think anyone who fought for our side believes for a moment that either of them were under the Imperius Curse."

"That much is true," said McGonagall with a sigh.

Tofty started at her concession. "I beg your pardon?"

"Let me be perfectly frank with you, Ezekiel. I couldn't give a tinker's damn about Lucius Malfoy. He can idle away the rest of his life surrounded by his mouldering library until the Cannons win the league, for all I care. However, I believe there's much more to Severus's story than meets the eye, and several other Order members believe so, too. We were so relieved at his release that we didn't think much more about what was left for him. He is not independently wealthy like Malfoy, so he must work. However, he cannot return to Hogwarts. Concerned parents would pull their children out of classes before you could say 'Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington'. No reputable business will hire him, and no disreputable business would trust him. It would be a gamble for you to hire him, Ezekiel, but I do believe that he would be a good fit for this particular job. With his experience-"

McGonagall's earnest speech was cut short by a burst of air from the open window as an owl flew into the room and back out so quickly that Tofty thought he'd imagined it. However, the trembling red envelope emblazoned with his name was very real.

It burst open at his touch in the unmistakable accents of his Charms teacher.

"NEVAIR IN MY LIFE 'AVE I BEEN SO INSULTED! I REFUSE TO REMAIN AT YOUR SCHOOL A MOMENT LONGER! LA PETITE BETE AND 'ER ACCOMPLICES 'AVE WON. I CAN ENDURE NO MORE! I QUIT! THE END! FIN! I RETURN TO BEAUXBATONS GRATEFUL THAT WE FRENCH TEACH OUR CHILDREN RESPECT AND OBEDIENCE, AND 'OPING THAT YOUR MINISTRY WILL TAKE ACTION AGAINST THE GIRL. SHE IS OBVIOUSLY VYYING TO BE ZEE NEXT DARK LORD. AU REVOIR AND GOOD RIDDANCE!"

The Howler burst into fleur-de-lis shaped flames.

Tofty blotted his bald pate with his handkerchief and accepted another drink with a shaking hand.

"I daresay, Minerva, wasn't Lucius Malfoy a dab hand at Charms when he was in school?"

"His wand work was considered to be the pinnacle of the art," she replied, not bothering to disguise a smile.

o0o


	2. Chapter Two

While the Shrieking Shack was known amongst the living as the most haunted building in Britain, the dead knew that the honour actually belonged to Caer Brech, a crumbling keep in southern Wales. Dozens of famous and influential ghosts called it home- so many, in fact, that the castle had become something of a centre for international post-mortem culture and learning. At any given time, dozens of visiting and indigenous ghosts could be found gliding through the corridors, going about their business and attempting to scare one another.

When the Ministry of Magic contacted the Marquess of Bute's shade about housing a temporary school in the castle, Caer Brech's denizens were delighted at the prospect of having some "live ones" upon which to practise their haunting. However, the ghosts soon realised that they had a great deal to learn from Hermione Granger, who, by a margin of one vote, narrowly missed being made an honorary ghost due to her uncanny ability to send the faculty running for the hills. Unbeknownst to her, she had developed quite a following, particularly amongst inexperienced spectres, who occasionally followed her to take notes on her technique.

Currently, her unofficial admiration society were haunting the dank corridor outside Caer Brech's Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom and listening to the laughter that echoed merrily off the stone walls.

"Two teachers in one day!" exclaimed Harry in tones of wonder. "That's got to be some kind of record."

Hermione, cheeks pink with pleasure, waved him off. "Hush, Harry, we need to secure the corridor first!"

"I've got it," said Ron. "All right, Lady Arundel?"

A silvery woman's torso glided grandly through the wall, head wobbling alarmingly. "You shall hear my signal from the battlements if any of the damned Roundheads dare approach," she said fervently.

"Thanks as always, Lady A.," said Ron. "We'd be lost without you."

She gave a tragic sort of smile before disappearing through the wall.

"Now, to business," said Hermione. "I think we've nearly worn down Peasegood- he locked himself in the closet when I pretended to mishear and transfigured my vase into a flock of hens instead of a box of pens. How was I to know that an accident early in his career had given him a phobia of chickens?"

"Certainly not from reading _Terrible Tragedies in Transfiguration_ ," said Ron. "Which, by the way, I managed to return to Fred and George's collection before they noticed it was gone."

"Why aren't I surprised that those two keep a library of historical mishaps?" asked Susan Bones.

"Perhaps because you went to school with them?" said Harry. "Justin, do you have any news on Divination?"

"No, but it's an entirely different situation. Centaurs have centuries worth of wisdom and patience, and I think she knows what we're up to. And I simply can't say something really coarse to a teacher."

"Especially when the teacher is a well-endowed female centaur," said Hermione. "We'll research more tonight. I'm certain we can find a weak spot. Neville, what's new in Herbology?"

"Toadflax has backslid a bit," said Neville. "We can get him to twitch, but he doesn't shake in fury the way he did when you were around."

"Well, you'll be done with Fire Flowers by the end of the week, and then he'll have no excuse to keep me out of class," said Hermione philosophically. "In the meantime, you're still over-fertilising the Gassy Bladderwort?"

Neville grinned. "It'll be ready any day now, and we've all brushed up on our Bubble-Head Charms."

"And Aguamenti," added Hannah, "just in case the pods burst while we still have the Fire Flowers around."

"You've done wonderfully, all of you," Hermione beamed. "Anything else?"

"Leave Yellowback to me," said Harry. "It's almost too easy with the Defence teachers, especially the temporary ones."

"Well, mate, you're the only living dark wizard slayer," said Ron, philosophically. "It's no wonder you send them running for their-

Ron fell abruptly silent as the window shutters slammed shut and the torches sputtered out. All wands were instantly drawn, and instinctively the students drew together, each facing in a different direction.

"Lumos!" Susan met Harry's eye, and he nodded. They stood, listening.

A heart-rending wail echoed down the corridor.

"That was Lady Arundel," whispered Justin. "Whatever it is, it's close."

Hermione frowned at her surroundings and shivered at the frigid air that seemed to be emanating from under the door. "If it's not a Dementor, then it's somebody doing a really good impression of one."

"Reckon it's a Boggart?" asked Ron.

"We'd best be prepared for anything," said Harry.

"But it can't be anything really dangerous," protested Hermione. "Nobody but the Ministry and Ghost Councils know we're here, and-"

Hannah seized her arm. "Listen!"

Sure enough, they heard the sharp click of boots on the hallway flagstones growing louder and more distinct.

Neville spun towards the door and gripped his wand so tightly his knuckles were white. The others came to his side and faced the door.

The footsteps came to a stop outside the door, and Hermione held her breath.

Suddenly, the door swung open with a bang, and a dark figure appeared in the doorway. Simultaneous cries of _"Expecto Patronum!"_ and _"Ridikkulus!"_ rang out. Silvery creatures shot towards the menacing shape but circled only once before evaporating.

"Wait!" cried Hermione. "We need to-" Her voice stopped suddenly as the figure made a slashing movement with its hand, which, she noted, held a wand. She fell to the floor with a muffled cry of alarm.

"Hermione!" yelled Harry, rushing to his friend's side. In the twinkling of an eye, he found himself bound and unable to speak.

One by one, the N.E.W.T.s class found themselves bound, gagged, and lined up neatly against the wall. The entire operation had taken less than ten seconds.

There was a loud snap, and the torches burst into flame, allowing the students to see their assailant.

There was a gasp of horror. Harry shouted angrily through his gag.

With a wave of his wand, Severus Snape banished the gag from Harry's mouth, allowing an impressive stream of vitriol to pour forth. He silenced him again.

"Language, Potter," said Snape softly, not bothering to hide the scornful twist of his lip. "You never did grasp the power of the spoken word. Nor, indeed, the power of the unspoken word."

He took several steps to where Ron lay. When given the opportunity, Ron shouted a number of crude but nonetheless effective directives. Hermione's eyebrows lifted in spite of herself.

"How gratifying that you learned one use for Bicorn horn in my class, Weasley. I confess that I'd thought it impossible for anything to penetrate that concrete cranium of yours. Naturally, you'll wish to quit while you're ahead?"

Another swish of the wand and Ron fell silent.

Snape took a step and stopped directly in front of Neville, who was visibly shaking. His smirk broadened. "Longbottom," he said in tones of relish. "Still the constitution of a drowned jellyfish, I see."

 _"Petrificus Totalus!"_ shouted Hermione, who had managed to nonverbally free herself from her bonds.

Snape lazily swatted her curse away, sent her wand flying across the room, and, to her horror, suspended her upside-down by one ankle in front of the rest of the class.

"Well, well, Miss Granger," he sneered, walking around her as she tried frantically to hold her skirts high enough to shield her knickers from view. "Who would have thought?"

Ron's face had turned purple from the effort of attempting to yell through the spell, though Snape's Silencing Charm held.

"Really, Weasley, one would think that with your girlfriend's privates on display you could come up with a better use for your mouth."

While Snape gleefully mocked her classmates in turn, Hermione was trying to approach the problem logically, even as her eyes filled with tears of fury and humiliation.

From her vantage point near the ceiling, Hermione saw that Harry had followed her lead and untied his ropes. He'd also managed to grab Susan's wand, which had fallen nearby. She gave a jerk of her head to indicate where her wand lay. He gave a small nod.

While Snape was disparaging Justin Finch-Fletchley's parentage- rather callous, Hermione thought, considering Death Eaters had killed Justin's father- Harry wordlessly summoned Hermione's wand and hovered it into her waiting hand.

Silently, she sent Snape's wand flying across the classroom. His head snapped about to see the source of his trouble, and his gaze settled on Harry, who glared back at him defiantly, wand pointed at Snape's face.

"Potter," he said, stepping towards him with a shark-like grin. "How I've longed for the day when you were no longer under the auspices of Hogwarts."

Before he could reach Harry, Hermione cast a nonverbal _Libero_ and dropped on top of Snape.

He fell to the floor, striking the floor with a grunt. She wasted no time in pressing her wand beneath his chin.

"Don't move."

Neville had managed to free himself and the others, and they came to stand around their former Potions instructor, wands aimed at various parts of his anatomy. Snape, however, glared at the young witch above him.

"Attacking a teacher again, Granger?"

"You're no longer our teacher, Snape!" spat Justin.

"Wrong again, Finch-Fletchley. Now, Granger, if you do not remove yourself from my person post-haste, I'm afraid I shall be forced to fail you, and you will never be able to take your precious N.E.W.T.s."

Hermione stiffened.

"They'd never hire you to teach here!" snarled Harry.

"Use your brain, Potter!" hissed Snape. "Why would I be tolerating your presence if I hadn't been paid handsomely? And why would you be alive right now if my employer were anyone but the Wizarding Examinations Authority?"

Susan lowered her wand. "I don't know what possessed the Ministry to hire him, but I don't think he's here to kill us."

"And it makes sense that they'd want to send someone tougher than our last Defence teacher." Neville followed Susan's lead, looking no happier than Harry about the situation.

"I don't know about that," said Hermione lightly, not lessening her pressure on Snape's neck. "After all, it's been proved in a court of law that he's particularly vulnerable to the Imperius Cure. Why would they send someone weak to teach us?"

Snape let out an inarticulate roar, and Hermione and her classmates were thrown against the wall by a powerful wave of magic.

This time Snape did not need a Silencing Charm to quiet the class. He paced in front of them, sneering into their faces by turn. He stopped in front of Harry.

"Disappointing," he said in a low voice. "Mere months after the Dark Lord's demise, you have all fallen back into your usual complacent arrogance. Your responses were sloppy, conclusions faulty, and even when given the opportunity to speak, you would rather spit and curse than attempt to free yourselves. You even underestimated the danger presented by a seemingly unarmed wizard. You are pitifully unprepared for your N.E.W.T.s and even less ready for the dark and dangerous world that awaits you. The Dark Arts do not disappear when a single dark wizard dies, and those who followed him will find you, Potter. And given the warm welcome I've received, I shouldn't be surprised if their enmity toward you far outlasts their allegiance to the Dark Lord."

Even Harry had the grace to look abashed, if only for a moment.

Hermione rose painfully to her feet and met Snape's gaze squarely. "So it's to be 'constant vigilance' again?"

Snape looked down his nose at her. "As you ought to have gleaned from your fourth year experiences with the ersatz Alastor Moody, all the vigilance in the world won't save you from your inability to analyse what you observe. Abbott!"

Hannah snapped to attention. "Yes, sir?"

"Why didn't you Stun me when you first saw me in the doorway?"

"Because I was casting a Patronus, sir."

"I recall seeing at least three different Patronuses. Would three corporeal Patronuses have been necessary if I had been a Dementor?"

"No, sir." Hermione was pleased to note that Hannah still sounded rather proud of herself.

Snape didn't miss her tone. "I suppose you're feeling smug because you can produce a corporeal Patronus. Did you fail to notice that it didn't protect you from being incapacitated within seconds? What good are pretty charms if they're used inappropriately, you feeble-minded ninny?"

"Slimy git," muttered Ron.

"Mister Weasley, I noticed your Patronus galumphing in my direction as well. I seem to recall your terrified whisper that I might be a Boggart. Would you care to explain why you cast a Patronus instead of the Ridikkulus Charm?"

"I changed my mind," said Ron with a brave attempt at nonchalance.

"That would indicate that some form of thought flashed through the malodorous murk between your ears, which I sincerely doubt. And you, Potter, as de facto head of this pathetic group, why did you not direct your classmates to consider more logical options, considering that men are far more common in Wales than Dementors or Boggarts?"

Harry did not answer, he merely glared at Snape.

Snape eyed him with the same look that he usually reserved for Neville's Potions assignments and moved on. "As much as it shocks me to say it, the only person in this class who observed me, drew a conclusion that was nearly logical, and acted in an appropriate way was Longbottom."

Neville winced when Snape said his name, but opened an eye cautiously, hardly daring to believe that he'd been praised.

"I- I-" he stammered.

"Yes, you quivering excuse for a wizard, you realised that you were closest to the door, remembered that your third year Boggart took my form, concluded incorrectly that it was more likely for you to encounter a Boggart than myself, and cast the appropriate charm. I credit this to nothing more than dumb luck, but as it constitutes the only occurrence of near-thought demonstrated by this dazzling array of dunderheads, I have no choice but to point it out."

Hermione thought of several other moments where she, Neville, and Harry had worked together to capture Snape, but she had no desire to bring Snape's attention to her. That would come soon enough. However, Snape walked past her without a word.

"Your pathetic actions today have demonstrated to me that you are not yet prepared for more rigorous practical exercises in class," Snape barked. "Thus, I want five feet of parchment on the subject of how anxiety affects decision-making, due tomorrow."

"There's nothing in the book about anxiety," protested Hermione.

"Then you shall have an excellent opportunity to experience it," said Snape, looking smug. "Class is dismissed." He swept out of the room in a swirl of black robes.

The N.E.W.T.s class looked at one another, gobsmacked.

"I suppose it'd be too much to ask that he's only teaching Defence," said Neville.

"As if I didn't already have enough problems in Potions," moaned Ron.

"But we can't possibly scare off Snape," moaned Susan, wringing her hands. "Maybe we should just try doing what he asks."

"Emergency meeting at eleven in my quarters," said Hermione grimly. "We have a great deal to talk about."

"And not just about Snape, I hope," said Justin. "Five feet of parchment? The man is mad!"

Ron tousled Hermione's hair. "If anyone can write five feet and figure out how to press Snape's buttons in one night, it's Hermione."

"Professor Snape," corrected Hermione automatically, as she gathered her books. "And I wouldn't worry. We've seen him lose his temper enough that it shouldn't be too difficult."

Harry cleared his throat. "Hermione, I want to talk to you when you're finished with Runes. Meet me in the armoury?"

Hermione had been thumbing through one of her books looking for something on anxiety. "Sure, Harry."

"You're going to have someone new today, what with Cyphre leaving, right?" asked Neville.

Hermione blinked. Surely Snape wouldn't be teaching Ancient Runes, would he?

"Best keep your wand out, since we won't be there to cover your back," said Ron. "It probably won't be Snape anyway, assuming we've got him for Potions, too."

Hermione made a face. "If they hired Professor Snape, there's no telling how low they'll go to fill vacancies. It almost makes me wish I hadn't been so rude to Professor Cyphre."

Susan looked at her curiously. "Really?"

"No, not really," she said with an impish grin. "His analyses really were crap."

o0o


	3. Chapter Three

o0o

Hermione entered the Ancient Runes classroom with her wand tucked discreetly into the waistband of her skirt. If the Ministry would hire Snape to teach them Defence, then it was anyone's guess who they'd got to replace Professor Cyphre. Her ghostly watchers settled themselves into the walls and waited.

The classroom had been redecorated, or rather, refurnished. New bookshelves lined the room, and Hermione's heart beat faster in spite of herself at the titles. Hermann's _Cryptographica_ –a four hundred year old first edition, by the look of it- Agrippa on metallurgy, and –it couldn't be- Hellspont's _Novum Symbolum_?

Of its own accord, her hand reached out to stroke the spine of the ancient tome.

"My, my. Such an eager pupil."

Hermione spun around and found herself staring into the cold grey eyes of Lucius Malfoy.

She was unable to suppress a gasp of shock, but Hermione was inwardly kicking herself. Of course it was Lucius Malfoy. Who else would have been so hard up for Ministry favour as to accept this position?

Finally, she found her voice. "Mister Malfoy," she said, infusing the name with as much distaste as she could muster. "I thought the Ministry banned you from education after the Chamber of Secrets debacle."

"Professor Malfoy," he corrected blithely, seemingly unaware of the baleful look Hermione was giving him. "I see that you've already found the prize of my collection. Pray tell, have you encountered this volume before?"

"I haven't, as I'm sure you're well aware," said Hermione. "The only other known copy is in a private collection in Istanbul, and nobody is allowed to read it."

"Of course nobody is allowed to read it," said Malfoy with a dismissive wave of his hand. "That copy is falling apart and nearly illegible. To breathe on it would be to reduce it to dust."

"How is it that your copy is in such good condition?"

"My dear, Malfoys invented Preservation Charms."

Hermione remained silent, torn between making a tart comment about his unusually youthful appearance and getting her hands on that book.

"I'm certain you'll agree that one should experience such a thing in the flesh, rather than go by second-hand accounts," said Malfoy silkily, moving up behind Hermione in a most unprofessorial way and sliding the book from the shelf. He was so close to the back of her head that he missed the calculating look that flashed across Hermione's face.

"I'm not sure what you mean, Professor Malfoy," she said, frowning as if in confusion. "Do you mean to say that the scholars of the ages cannot be trusted with regard to the book's content?"

Lucius gently opened the book on a desk and gestured for her to sit. When she settled into the seat, he bent down so that his chin was nearly resting on her shoulder. Several strands of silky hair brushed her cheek. The warm breath of his whisper ghosted over tip of her ear. "With so few pairs of eyes privileged enough to encounter the source material, would it not surprise you to find that some aspects of the text may have been overlooked?"

Oh, he was good. Hermione began to understand just how Malfoy had been able to avoid multiple life sentences in Azkaban.

"You mean," said Hermione, punctuating her statement with an artful gasp, "that you would allow me to study this in your class?"

His self-satisfied smirk further steeled her resolve. "I mean to say that first-hand experience can give you insight that you never would have imagined. Would such a thing interest you?"

Hermione nodded, somehow feeling that she was making a deal with the devil.

"They always said you were a clever girl," said Lucius, resting a hand on her shoulder for a moment. "Now, your work. I understand that since this class consists of only your lovely self, you are to work on an advanced project of some sort. Tell me, Miss Granger. Where precisely do your interests lie?"

Hermione blinked in surprise at the compliment, then lowered her eyelids. "If you please, sir," she said, allowing her eyes to shine hungrily at the books. "There are several subjects I'd like to research more thoroughly before deciding on a final project."

"Very well, select and summarise at least five books for your next class. We'll discuss your research then. I trust you'll understand why I cannot allow you to remove several of the older works from this room?"

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir."

He preened at her respectful address, and she covered a smile with her hand. This vain peacock was going to be a piece of cake. She slowly walked the perimeter of the room, being careful not to select any particularly rare or old volumes, aware that he was watching her progress carefully.

When she was finished, she placed the precipitous pile on his desk for his approval.

He examined each, noting the condition and subject and marked them in a heavy ledger.

"These ought to keep you busy over the weekend, Miss Granger," he said. "Though I wonder at so many volumes on dealing with fear and anxiety. One might inquire what it is that you have to be anxious about."

"I should think that you of all people would understand that I have enemies, sir."

Lucius crossed his legs and ran his fingers delicately over the shining serpent on the head of his cane. "Surely you don't mean me? I'm a little lamb, I assure you."

"To which I say 'bah,'" retorted Hermione, gathering her books. "I hope you'll excuse me. As you can see, I have quite a bit of reading to do."

"So eager," he murmured, eyes drifting lazily from her head to her feet and back again. He smiled suddenly. "If, this weekend, you happen to find yourself perplexed by the reading, or, dare I say, anxious, I hope you will call on me in my chambers. Undoubtedly, this is a trying time for you. I would consider it a privilege to help ease your mind. As a teacher, naturally."

Not wanting to clue him in to the plan coalescing in her mind, she looked up at him quizzically. "Won't you be going home for the weekend?"

"Gracious, no, the old place is so empty these days, and I've already moved the best part of my library here." He gave her a meaningful look. "I'm staying in the uppermost tower. The stars at night are quite stunning. I hope to see you soon, Miss Granger."

"Thank you, Professor Malfoy. I appreciate your time and attention." With a brisk hip swivel, she strode out of the classroom.

She grinned at his appreciative chuckle.

o0o

She was surprised to find Harry already in the armoury when she arrived. He was looking out the window over the countryside with a look of longing on his face.

She set her armload of books down on the table and walked over to where he stood. He didn't start when she drew near but made room for her at the sill.

"Knut for your thoughts," she offered.

"Nothing," he said, cheeks flushing.

"Harry." The tut was unspoken.

Harry sighed. "I just miss it. Being out there. Doing what I want to do. Doing important things. Being an adult and being treated like an adult. We kill Voldemort and it's back to school for the good children. All of this is complete bollocks, and everyone knows it."

She felt a rush of fondness and squeezed his hand. "I understand. And that's why we're doing this. We're beating the Ministry at its own game. Once we've all been hired in our desired fields we can do important things and influence important decisions. But in order to have influence at the Ministry, we need to do well on our N.E.W.T.s. And before we can sit the N.E.W.T.s-"

"-We have to complete a Ministry-approved curriculum," mimicked Harry in Professor Tofty's reedy tenor. "Unless he can't find anyone to teach us." Harry fell silent for a moment, then turned to her. "Hermione, you know I'm in awe of your brains, but what makes you so certain that Tofty will let us sit the N.E.W.T.s if we scare off all the teachers?"

"You saw him during our Astronomy O.W.L when Professor McGonagall was attacked," said Hermione. "His loyalties are with us. It's his superiors that need convincing, and the only way to do that is, sadly, to make him unable to prepare us using a Ministry-approved curriculum." She gave him a sidelong look. "Why is it that you're only asking now?"

Harry gave her a look of pure mischief. "It sounded like too much fun to say no."

Hermione laughed long and hard, and Harry joined her.

"So," she said, mouth still quivering in mirth, "suppose you tell me why you wanted to talk to me before tonight's planning and revision session."

Harry's smile faded. "It's about Snape. I know something that may help us get rid of him, but I don't exactly feel comfortable telling everyone about it."

Hermione's eyes widened. "Can you tell me?"

"Will you promise to use the information only to plot against Snape and not to tell anyone else?"

"I promise. Now, what's so secret that you can't even tell Ron?"

"It's about my dad. And Sirius."

She frowned. "I thought it was about Snape."

"I'm getting there, Hermione. Do you remember when Fred and George shoved Montague into that Vanishing Cabinet our fifth year?"

She closed her eyes. "How could I forget?"

"Well, the night he reappeared, Snape was about to start an Occlumency lesson with me. Right before every lesson, he moved some memories from his head into a Pensieve. Well, right after he'd done that, Malfoy came and told him about Montague, and he left. I thought- well, I hoped the memory might be something about the Department of Mysteries, so I looked."

"You saw your dad and Sirius?"

"Well, yeah. And Lupin and Pettigrew. And they were-" he swallowed hard, "-bullying Snape. Four against one. They called him 'Snivellus' and attacked him just because they didn't have anything better to do."

"Perhaps you'd better start at the beginning."

The memory was as fresh in his mind as if he'd seen it yesterday. As Harry continued his story, Hermione found herself taking mental notes and shaking her head at the Marauders' bullying. She gasped at Snape's cruel reaction to Lily's interference and her apparent antipathy toward James.

"Then my dad said he was going to remove Snape's underpants."

Hermione gasped. "Did he?"

"I don't know. That's when Snape found me and dragged me out of the Pensieve. He yelled and threw things and refused to teach me Occlumency after that."

"So he didn't stop teaching you because you'd got the basics!"

A small, exasperated smile lifted the corner of Harry's mouth. "Didn't you already know that from what happened at the Department of Mysteries?"

"I just thought you weren't as good at Occlumency as Voldemort is at Legilimency. I didn't blame you. At least, not until now." She gasped, suddenly realising what she'd said. "Oh, Harry, I didn't mean that. You couldn't have known-"

"Shut up, Hermione. S'okay," said Harry. "The point is that Snape had rotten things done to him, and I don't think it'd be fair to use those sorts of things against him, at least not overtly."

Hermione looked at her friend with a measuring gaze. "You're a good man, Harry Potter. I promise not to use what you've told me against him or do anything like Sirius did. Except for one thing."

"What?"

"Professor Snape always hated you because you reminded him of your father, right?"

"Right."

"And you agree that it's his own stupid prejudice that you can't do anything about, right?"

Harry started to look interested. "Right."

"Then don't you think it'd be fair if you happened to remind him of your dad a bit more? Like messing with your hair or showing off in front of Hannah, Susan, and me? I might even be able to charm something to look and act like a Snitch."

Harry stared at her for a moment and burst out laughing. "Dunno if I can keep a straight face, but I'll give it a shot, Hermione. I'll give it a shot. I'd better go explain things to Ron beforehand, though. I think he's still sworn to beat anybody who makes light of you."

Hermione made a face. "He's a chivalrous pillock."

"Yes," agreed Harry, helping her gather her books, "but he's our chivalrous pillock."

o0o


	4. Chapter Four

o0o

Severus Snape was pouring himself a cup of tea when Lucius Malfoy swept into his room. He threw himself dramatically into a chair.

"You wouldn't have anything stronger than tea, would you, Severus?"

A corner of Severus's mouth lifted. "Was the girl that trying?"

"I found her quite charming. No, Severus. That is not what vexes me."

"I will likely regret asking, but what is vexing you?"

"I must teach Charms at nine o'clock tomorrow morning!"

"And…?" Severus prompted.

"And don't you think that's an indecent hour? Especially close on the heels of a hard day's teaching?"

"You had a single class with a single student in it. If that has exhausted you, then the 'charming' Miss Granger will make short work of you." Severus handed Lucius a crystalline amber bottle and a tumbler. "You'd better have some of this."

Lucius poured a few fingers of liquor into the glass and took a healthy sip. He coughed politely into his fist. "It's a bit below your standard, isn't it?"

"Philistine," said Severus, amused. "This is fifty year-old single malt."

"Well, there's the problem!" exclaimed Lucius. "Next time you offer me a drink, Severus, do make sure it's fresh."

Severus scowled. "Lucius, feel free to play the fool to the hilt around the students, but I am really in no mood for it this evening."

Lucius's chin rose. "I haven't the slightest idea what you mean."

"'Make sure it's fresh,'" he mimicked. "Have you forgotten that you introduced me to Ogden's my sixth year?"

Lucius ignored him and took another sip of whisky. "How did you fare in Defence today?"

"Tolerably well. Bound and gagged them all, cast Levicorpus on Miss Granger, and gave the little blighters five feet of writing to do tonight."

"How's her arse?" asked Lucius.

"Really, Lucius," exclaimed Severus with a look of distaste.

"Did you at least see the colour of her knickers? Or was she wearing any?"

"I have no wish to revisit the sight of an obnoxious teenager trying to arrange her skirts."

"Bad form, old man!" exclaimed Lucius. "You couldn't be bothered to sample the abundant charms that you yourself put on display? It's criminal!"

Severus looked sidelong as his friend. "I think I may have a bit of that," he said, reaching for the bottle and pouring a dram into his empty teacup. "'Abundant charms,' you say?"

Lucius laid his head on the back support of his chair. "Don't tell me you haven't noticed."

Severus swallowed his mouthful of whisky. "I am not interested in children."

"I fail to see what that has to do with our distinguished adversary."

"Lucius, the girl is eighteen."

"Ah!" exclaimed Lucius, pointing a finger at Severus, "That's where you're wrong! I read in her file that she'll be twenty come September!"

"Nonsense," scoffed Severus. "She was eleven when she arrived at Hogwarts."

Lucius stared at him wordlessly for a moment. "But, of course, what's the difference between eighteen and twenty?" he inquired to the air.

Severus's eyes narrowed. "What are you on about?"

"Nothing at all, I assure you," said Lucius. "Now, how do you expect to keep the young lady and her friends from getting rid of you?"

Severus's mouth narrowed into a thin line. "An excellent question, but I believe you were about to tell me what you found in Miss Granger's file."

Lucius sighed. "Very well. In her third year, Miss Granger was allowed access to a Time Turner in order to attend all her classes. It's not entirely unheard of, you know. Armando Dippet allowed it to eight students during his tenure. Now that I think about it, I'm quite surprised that none of our fellow students were allowed to have one, at least not that I was aware of." His eyes widened at the expression on his friend's face. "Severus?"

Severus had gone pale with rage, and he was gripping the arms of his chair so tightly that Lucius feared for the upholstery.

"Her third year?" he repeated.

"It was Arithmancy and Ancient Runes," said Lucius lightly. "She couldn't take them without the Time Turner, so McGonagall pleaded to the Department of Mysteries on her behalf."

Severus made an extraordinary effort to calm himself. "Odd, Minerva never mentioned it to me."

"Naturally," said Lucius, "the Department of Mysteries swore her and Dumbledore to secrecy as part of the agreement. I take it from your expression that she used the Time Turner for some purpose other than to get to classes."

"I couldn't say," said Severus. "Pray, was there a record of when and how many hours she used it?"

"I'm certain there is, though it wasn't in her academic file."

"No matter," said Severus, shrugging almost believably. "You wanted to know my strategy for frustrating the children's efforts to get rid of me?"

Lucius poured himself another glass of whisky. "If you would be so kind."

"Very well," sighed Severus, "I intend to do as I have always done. If they are disrespectful, I will remove them from class. If they fail to complete their assignments in a satisfactory way, I will remove them from class. If I have to remove them from class too frequently, I will fail them, and they will not be allowed to take their N.E.W.T.s."

Lucius raised his eyebrows sceptically. "Do you really think that will work?"

"Why shouldn't it?"

"Well, they'll be expecting that, won't they?"

"They never found a satisfactory way to thwart it before. There's no reason it should be any different now."

"If you say so," said Lucius, taking another sip of whisky.

"Lucius," began Severus in a warning tone.

"I was merely suggesting that perhaps their behaviour in your previous classes was bound by hopes of not to being thrown out of the school. I believe this is not the case here."

Severus made a disdainful noise. "I saw nothing today that would indicate that they are anything other than the same brats I taught before leaving Hogwarts."

"If you say so," repeated Lucius. "If one were so inclined, one might suggest that you were a bit overconfident in your ability to keep order."

Severus's eyes were alight with malice. "What, you're suggesting you might do better?"

"All I am saying is that I may be at an advantage because I am not prejudiced against them, having had little contact with them when they were children."

"They defeated you as children," said Severus, cheeks slightly flushed. "They defeated the diary you left for Miss Weasley, and they defeated you and your cohorts at the Department of Mysteries a few short years later."

"I fail to understand how such examples support your argument that they are helpless children."

"Simply because I do not share your faith in your own competence."

"That's not very friendly, Severus."

"It wasn't meant to be," said Severus, draining his cup. "Now that you've exceeded your daily quota of frankness, we should make an appearance at supper."

"You're probably right," said Lucius. "But before we go, I suggest a friendly wager."

Severus was instantly suspicious. "What kind of wager?"

"You seem to be under the impression that you are far better prepared for this group of students than I am. I suggest a purse of, say, ten Galleons to whichever one of us resists the efforts of Miss Granger and her friends for the longest."

"Why bother wagering such a paltry sum?"

"Because you can use the ten Galleons and I can use something to make me laugh on cold winter nights."

Severus scowled. "You really are a mannerless boor."

"So you accept the wager?"

"Nearly. What happens if both of us last the duration of the classes?"

"We get the satisfaction of a dirty job well done."

"Sounds harmless enough," said Severus, extending his hand. "It will be the easiest ten Galleons I've ever made."

Lucius accepted the handshake. "It's a wager. Shall we to dinner, then?"

Severus glared at his friend. "Do you need a sobering charm? That smirk is not at all becoming."

Lucius smoothed his features to polite blandness. "That won't be necessary. Pray, Severus, how do you find your chambers?"

Severus rose and put on his cape. "Draughty."

"I daresay it has a far finer view than my chambers in the dungeon. While the shackles on my walls are very homey, I envy you your tower. You must be able to see for miles."

"Not that I've had the opportunity to enjoy any alleged view because of the damned weather. Now, if you're finished with this idle line of discourse, I'm rather in need of food."

Severus stomped out of the room and Lucius followed him with a smirk. "You're going to need a lot more than food, old friend," he whispered.

o0o

Eleven o'clock rolled around too quickly for Hermione's liking. She had missed her evening meal in favour of skimming the books on anxiety she'd borrowed from 'Professor' Malfoy and marking pages that contained useful information for her classmates. Fortunately, there were enough of them that she and her classmates could cite slightly differing sources in their papers. She managed to finish the last of the books just as a soft knock on the door announced the arrival of her co-conspirators.

Ron held out a platter of roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, and Hermione's stomach gave a fierce growl.

"I didn't see you at supper, so I nicked it for you," he explained, handing her the platter. "One can't plot on an empty stomach."

Hermione thanked him and began to eat ravenously, gesturing for the others to join her on the bed. "I found a few books that might help with our essays," she said between bites.

Justin's eyes widened at one title. " _Natural and Magical Fear_? That's borderline Dark Magic! Where did you get all of these?"

Hermione swallowed a particularly large bite of beef. "Borrowed from Lucius Malfoy."

Neville frowned. "Lucius Malfoy?"

"Our new Ancient Runes and Charms teacher," said Hermione disdainfully. "I'm not too worried about him. Large egos are easy targets."

"I don't know if these will help," said Hannah, removing two translucent books from her bag, "but these are from the ghost's library. They're written from a spectre's perspective, but there's a step-by-step method for scaring off humans in one, and the other has tips for successful hauntings. I thought they might also be useful for ideas for getting rid of the teachers."

"How on earth did you get them?" asked Harry incredulously. "Nobody living is allowed to go anywhere near the library, not even under an Invisibility Cloak."

Hannah gave a triumphant smile. "I struck a deal with the Sussex Blue Man this afternoon. In exchange for reading to him from post-Restoration history books once a week, he's promised to lend me any book I need from the ghost's library. Technically, we're not breaking the school's charter since I'm not physically entering the library."

Ron grinned at Hannah. "Brilliant!"

The seven students sat silently, perusing the books and occasionally scribbling notes on spare sheets of parchment.

"I don't know if I can write five feet from this, but at least I'll have something coherent," said Susan, laying down _Fighting Fear and Alleviating Anxiety Through Powerful Potions_.

"I never would have suggested it at Hogwarts," said Hermione, "but you might write what you can and then Enlarge the parchment until it's five feet long."

"Or just do what I'm doing," said Ron, holding up his essay. "It's easy to reach five feet if your parchment is only a few inches wide."

"Or take a page from Hermione's book and have a huge bibliography," added Neville with a grin.

"You know that Snape is just going to fail any of us who try that," said Justin sourly, who had been experimenting on how large he could write without making it appear that he was doing so.

"He didn't give us any sort of style guidelines for the essay," said Hermione, "and this isn't a school like Hogwarts that has a compendium of rules and requirements for written assignments."

"That excuse will only work once," remarked Susan. "Of course, that's all we'll need it for." She closed _An Exhaustive History of Cheering Charms_. "So, Hermione, what's the plan for Snape and Malfoy tomorrow?"

"I suggest we simply observe Professor Malfoy tomorrow. He's an unknown quantity, and I want to see how he deals with a class of more than just me, especially after the surprise I'm having sent to his tower tonight. As for Professor Snape, I've come up with a few ideas. But before we get to that, I wanted to pick your brains a bit. We've all had Professor Snape in class for seven years. Now, what irritates you the most about him?"

"The name-calling," said Hannah immediately.

"Nobody was exempt," added Justin. "Su was always 'impertinent chit,' and I was always 'useless swot.'"

"I was 'idiot boy,'" added Neville.

"'Feeble-minded ninny,'" said Hannah.

"'Insufferable know-it-all,'" said Hermione. "So that's one thing. The question before us is, how do we get him to stop it?"

"Let me guess," said Ron. "You have a plan?"

"I do, but I admit it's going to sound a bit odd to you." She pulled out a textbook and set it on the bed. There was a Muggle photograph of a dolphin on the cover.

Susan read the title in an incredulous voice. " _Animal Training and Husbandry_? How's that supposed to help us with Snape?"

"This book teaches you to train animals to do unnatural behaviours, such as having dolphins jump through hoops and the like. The part of it that'll be useful for Professor Snape is positively reinforcing good behaviour, such as calling us by our real names, and negatively reinforcing bad behaviour, such as insulting us and yelling in class."

"We don't have to give him pieces of fish or anything like that, do we?" asked Ron, mildly horrified.

"No, Ron," Hermione said, exasperated. "Clever creatures in captivity sometimes get bored with training and entertain themselves by doing things wrong to vex their keepers. The trick is depriving the animals of the pleasure of seeing their trainers get mad and yell. If Professor Snape calls you a name or says something hurtful, you must refuse to give him any response whatsoever. Don't look at him, don't frown, and above all, don't let him get you angry. It'll take practice, but I'm certain it'll work."

Justin looked sceptical. "And how are we supposed to positively reinforce good behaviour, on the off chance that it should ever occur in front of us?"

"Is that when we give him fish?" asked Harry a bit too innocently. Ron glared at him.

"In a manner of speaking," said Hermione. "I thought that if he addresses us civilly we might speak respectfully to him and give him correct answers to the questions he asks."

"That's assuming we'll know what the flying arse he's talking about," said Ron.

"I thought we might all prepare for Potions tomorrow morning before class," said Hermione.

Susan frowned. "It sounds to me like you're just asking us to behave well in class. Wouldn't that make Snape more likely to stay than leave?"

"Professor Snape is a highly suspicious person and enjoys watching people fail. Our not failing should cause him no small amount of disquiet trying to figure out what we're up to. However, that's not my entire plan. The rest of the plan will involve individual tasks to be assigned periodically. I don't want to share all my ideas now- it's dangerous for all of us to know the plan around someone as skilled at Legilimency as Professor Snape. Now, according to the syllabus Professor Tincture left, we're supposed to work on Confusion Concoctions in our next class. I've prepared a study sheet if any of you haven't read up on them yet."

"Who says Snape's going to go by what Professor Tincture said?" asked Justin.

"Nobody," admitted Hermione with a shrug. "But at least we'll be prepared for something, which we certainly weren't today in Defence. I suppose Professor Snape might try to pack two lessons into one, in which case, we should have a look at Pepperup Potion as well."

"What about Babbling Beverages?" asked Hannah. "We skipped those and Scintillation Solution after Neville blew up the supply cabinet."

"What if we don't know anything about any of those potions?" asked Neville worriedly.

Harry pulled a book out of his bag and handed it to Neville. "Then we use this. Take a look at the flyleaf."

Neville read the inscription. "'This book is the property of the Half-Blood Prince.'" He looked at Harry in confusion. "Who's the Half-Blood Prince?"

Ron clapped Neville on the shoulder. "He's the reason I'm still among the living. Now, let's see, Confusion Concoction, page eighty-four. Let's see what the Prince has to say."

Suddenly, a loud cock crow pierced the quiet night, causing all of the students to jump. It was quickly followed by unintelligible bellowing and the sound of breaking furniture.

"What was that?" Susan whispered.

"That's the surprise I sent to Lucius Malfoy."

Justin was trying not to laugh. "A rooster?"

"Worse," said Hermione grimly. "A poultrygeist."

o0o


	5. Chapter Five

o0o

The next morning found all the students gathered in the Potions Classroom looking ill-rested, but nonetheless determined. Neville was muttering to himself. "Cook crocodile claws clockwise in a copper cauldron, keeping the cockroach compound cool in a cobalt container to… to…"

"To keep the cauldron from corroding," supplied Susan. "You've almost got the Confusion Concoction. What about Scintillating Solution?"

"Oh, I remember this one!" said Ron. "Simply simmer salamander spleen with sneezewort extract-"

"Slimewort extract, not sneezewort," corrected Hermione.

"Sorry, sorry. Simmer salamander spleen with slimewort. Stir in six shed snake skins-"

"What kind of snake skins?" interrupted Justin, checking the book.

"Spitting cobra?" guessed Ron.

"Swamp adder."

"Shite."

"S'okay," said Harry. "Do me next."

"Babbling Beverage," said Hannah.

Harry screwed up his face in concentration. "Boil black beetles with… bollocks!" he cursed.

Neville looked over Justin's shoulder. "It says 'belladonna' here."

"Babbling Beverage is easy," said Hermione. "Just remember the Prince's directions to make the beetles confused by putting them in a bottle and feeding them a bit of nettle. That way they'll be too torpid to escape."

"I remember," said Hannah. "Boil a nettle addlepated beetle bottle in a metal kettle, add belladonna petals, then…I can't remember."

"A needle bottlepated addle batter-" began Neville.

"No, no! A netter adderbattle beeter botter!" said Ron.

"It's a nettle addlepated beetle bottle briskly boiled with belladonna petals in a metal kettle," read Justin. "But what if he asks us to make the variant version?"

"You mean he might make us brew Bavarian Babbling Beverage?" asked Susan in tones of horror.

"It's not that bad," said Hermione reproachfully. "Instead of boiling a bottle of nettle addlepated beetles, you blanch a bowl of bewildered botflies and beat in butter beans, broiled baobab buds, blistered birch bark, and Basque bergamot until it's blue as a bilberry."

"Bill as a blueberry," muttered Neville, scribbling frantically on a spare piece of parchment.

"On a butane burner?" Justin looked confused.

Hermione frowned and checked the book. "Balefire."

"It's no use," said Harry. "I'll never remember all that."

"The trick is shortening it to something you can remember," said Hannah. "For instance, I always remember rhymes. Pepperup's a potion made of puffer fish from ocean with some peppermint and porcupines – incisors, not the pointy spines."

"But there's more in it than just that," said Susan.

"Pepperup's a potion made of parrotfish from ocean-" began Harry.

"Puffer fish!" exclaimed Ron. "Pepperup's a potion made of puffer fish and lotion-"

"With some blenny brains and bobolink, what else is there? Let me think!" mused Susan.

"Oh! I think I've got it now, it's peppermint. But added how?" asked Justin.

"Sauté mint and stir it thrice, then add crushed teeth and stir it thrice," Hermione added. "But what if I should substitute for puffer fish the common newt?"

"To change it might bring you renown, but then they'd call it Pepperdown," said Hannah with a smile.

As if on cue, the classroom door opened with a bang.

"Hannah," whispered Neville anxiously, "what rhymes with 'concoction?'"

"SILENCE!" bellowed Snape.

Hermione noted with surprise his bloodshot eyes rimmed with dark circles.

Snape noticed her perusal. "Does my appearance satisfy you, Granger?" he growled.

Immediately, she dropped her eyes to the bench in front of her, face neutral. She could feel his angry scowl on her and nearly sighed in relief when he turned his gaze on her classmates.

"I don't suppose any of you know who dispatched the malevolent spirit to my chambers last night," he said, "any more than I suppose any of you dunderheads know what to do with cockroaches in a Calming Compound."

Hermione nearly danced a jig when she realised that all of her classmates were staring politely past Snape at the wall.

"You!" Snape barked at Justin.

Justin stared at the wall and said nothing.

Snape tried to get Justin's attention again. "Useless swot!"

No response. Hermione hardly dared breathe.

"Finch-Fletchley!" bellowed Snape.

"Certainly, Professor," said Justin calmly. "You keep the cockroaches separate and crush them in a cobalt bowl."

Snape glared at Justin, then turned his gaze to Neville. "And I don't suppose this idiot boy knows why."

Hermione closed her eyes and prayed that Neville would be able to withstand Snape's ire. Neville's eyes were fixed on his desk.

"Longbottom!" yelled Snape, mere inches from Neville's face.

"It-keeps-the-cauldron-from-corroding-sir!" said Neville very fast.

Snape stared at Neville as if he'd never seen him before.

"Why?" Snape asked in his deadliest voice.

There was only the faintest tremor in Neville's voice. "The cauldron's copper, sir."

Snape stared at him in disbelief, then stalked back to the front of the classroom. He glowered at them in turn.

"Bones," he growled. "How many snake skins are added to Scintillating Solution?"

"Six, sir," Susan answered promptly.

"And what kind of snake skins are they, Weasley?"

"Swamp adder, sir" said Ron, glee clearly audible beneath his polite address.

Snape's mouth was a thin line. "Potter," he spat. "What is the base ingredient for Babbling Beverage?"

"Black beetles, sir."

"Simply black beetles? How, pray, do you intend to get live beetles into your potion? I'm sure you haven't forgotten that they must be added alive, have you, Potter?"

To Hermione's delight, Harry ran his hand through his hair, with deliberate nonchalance. "I'd put them in a bottle with something that would make them confused and drowsy. Nettle, probably."

If Snape recognised the gesture, it was soon forgotten in the face of Harry's correct supposition about incapacitating the beetles.

"That's quite a feat of problem solving," said Snape in a dangerously low voice. "One wonders if you came up with it on your own. Turn out your bag, Potter!"

Harry did as he was bidden, but, of course, he wasn't stupid enough to bring the Half-Blood Prince's Potions book to the Half-Blood Prince's own Potions class. Snape picked up Harry's decoy textbook and flipped through it, looking for any sign of annotations. Finding nothing, he pursed his lips and picked through the quills, ink, and other books, finally closing his hand over a scroll.

"What is this, Potter?"

"My five-foot essay on anxiety for Defence, sir."

"It is three inches too narrow. You will re-do it tonight and another two feet on the requirements of the Wizarding Style Guide."

"Excuse me, Professor Snape," said Susan with a convincing blush. "You didn't tell us what style guide to use, so I used the British Magical Format."

"And I used the International Academic Standard, sir," added Hermione.

"I used Hogwarts Standard Essay, sir," said Justin.

Hannah shrugged. "I followed the Magical Language Association recommendations."

Snape's face flushed an interesting shade of purple, but the explosion never came. Instead, Snape raised his wand and summoned all of their essays wordlessly. He unrolled them hastily and skimmed their contents. His scowl grew deeper as he compared the lists of books. Hermione decided to drive another nail in the coffin and raised her hand.

"What is it, Granger?"

"With respect, sir," she said, "I thought the essays would be due in Defence Against the Dark Arts this afternoon. There were a few other books I wished to consult before-"

"SILENCE!" The shout powered Snape to his feet, and he began pacing the front of the room.

Harry chose that moment to sit back comfortably in his chair and tousle his hair. Snape twitched, but made a visible effort to calm himself.

"It seems as though I no longer have an insufferable know-it-all in this class," he said in a silky voice. "It appears as though I have an entire class full. You! Granger!"

"Yes, sir?" asked Hermione earnestly.

"You needn't say 'yes, sir' in that tone!" he snapped. "Address me with proper respect!"

Hermione cast her eyes down. "I thought I did, sir.'

"Look at me, Granger," said Snape, swooping down on her and putting his face very close to hers.

Hermione had no choice but to comply. She prayed what little Occlumency she had learned would withstand his questioning.

"Why did you send that particular spirit to me last night?"

She breathed an inward sigh of relief. "I didn't send any spirits to you, sir."

"Come now, Miss Granger. Do you think I've failed to notice the way the spectres follow you? How you make them your accomplices?"

"I doubt much escapes your notice, sir, but I didn't send any of them to you last night. I am shocked that any spirit in this castle would disturb your rest, even that particular one."

"Ahah!" cried Snape triumphantly. "And what do you know of the spirit that visited me?"

"The fact that it was a poultrygeist was clear to all of us within earshot," said Hermione, desperately hoping for Snape's gaze to falter. She felt her mind quiver under his ocular assault. She steeled her mental shields and said through gritted teeth, "But I fail to see what any of this has to do with Potions, sir."

Snape broke eye contact and pulled himself up to his not unimpressive height. "Why you impertinent - POTTER!"

Even Harry jumped at Snape's sudden shift of focus. "Yes, sir?"

"Remove your hand from Miss Bones's leg this instant. Should I ever catch you indulging in behaviour of that sort in class again, I will personally dose you with Dysfunctus Draught so strong that you won't be able to consider such activities until you are past twenty-five. Have I made myself clear?"

"Yes, sir," said Harry in a bored tone that surprised Hermione. It must have been a particularly accurate impression of his father, because Snape was beginning to twitch again. This time, he turned his fury on Susan.

"And you, Miss Bones, I thought you had better taste. Twenty points from-" he cut himself off and glared at the class through bloodshot eyes. "I expect a five-foot essay from all of you on the subject of proper behaviour in class, in accordance with the Wizarding Style Guide. Now, get out of my sight, you puerile wastes of time!"

The students, as if by unspoken accord, did not move and stood calmly, staring at the wall or off into space. Snape stared incredulously at his class. "Didn't you hear me, you pea-brained cretins, or are your ears as thick as your skulls?"

The students remained silent and neutral. Snape's face flushed scarlet, and his hands curled into fists at his side.

"Go to blazes!" he bellowed at them, then swept out of the classroom and slammed the door after him.

The class stood motionless for a moment, listening as their most feared teacher went stomping down the hall, boot steps fading into the distance.

Their stunned silence was broken by a delighted laugh from Hannah.

"Merlin's merrywidow, Hermione!" exclaimed Neville, awestruck. "It worked!"

"I thought you said you sent the poultrygeist to Malfoy," said Justin.

"Malfoy said he was staying in the uppermost tower," said Hermione. "I guess he knew I'd try something. That was surprisingly clever. I'll have to keep a closer eye on him and see that the poultrygeist haunts the right man this weekend."

Susan gave Harry an amused look. "Try rubbing my leg like that again without warning me first, and you might just end up with a girlfriend."

"Can't have that, now can we?" said Harry with a wink.

"Do you think Snape's gone for good?" asked Ron doubtfully.

"He'd better not be," said Hermione. "I have plans for Defence today, and it'd be a shame to let them go to waste."

"What do you have in mind?" asked Neville eagerly.

"He's already taken our essays, so I think we should be prepared for another practical lesson. I think Ron's gift for strategy might give us an edge if we plan ahead. Harry, how would you feel about giving us a review, D.A.-style?"

Harry moved all the desks to the back of the classroom with a flick of his wand. "It'd be my pleasure. I'd like to introduce you all to a spell Snape used in our last Defence class. It's called Levicorpus."

o0o


	6. Chapter Six

o0o

Lucius Malfoy had just poured himself a gin and tonic when Severus Snape swept into the room with an expression as black as the walls of the dungeon.

"Severus, my good man, to what do I owe the pleasure of-"

"Shut your mouth, Lucius," snarled Severus. "Give me one of those. On second thought, give me the bottle."

"Lime?" offered Lucius solicitously.

Severus glared at him and took a generous pull from the bottle.

"Really, Severus, I just opened that bottle."

"Them I suppose I'll have to finish it." He sat on the edge of the rack and took another swig.

"Severus, old friend, I hope you won't take this as an insult, but you look absolutely dreadful. Drinking an entire bottle of gin will not exactly improve your aspect."

"Well, things can't exactly disimprove on that front," said Severus, allowing his hair to fall forward into his eyes.

"Whatever is the matter?" asked Lucius, somewhat concerned. "Surely you're not forfeiting our wager so soon?"

Severus laughed harshly. "I'm far more curious to find out how your day went."

"Well, I slept so soundly last night that waking for my nine o'clock class wasn't as difficult as I had feared. Severus, you really must do something about that tooth-grinding habit of yours. It's most distracting. As I was saying, I managed to school the children in basic table manners before Miss Granger pointed out that I was supposed to be teaching Charms class, not charm school. I hadn't the heart to take back all the books on manners that she so assiduously gathered before speaking up."

Severus frowned. "Books on manners?"

"You ought to have been there when I asked Weasley if it was polite to masticate with one's mouth open," Lucius continued blithely. "He stammered that he didn't think it was polite to do at the table at all. Miss Granger whispered that one had to masticate in order to swallow. I thought the poor fellow would burst into flame from embarrassment."

Severus's scowl deepened. "Highly amusing, I'm sure."

"Come now, Severus," said Lucius. "I thought tales of student humiliation were like sweets to you."

Severus lay back on his elbows and stared at the bladed pendulum that was chained to the wall. "The little blighters nearly succeeded in making me lose my temper today. Twice."

"Well," said Lucius philosophically, "I did warn you that teaching here was likely to be different from Hogwarts."

"They were all shockingly well-prepared for Potions today. And they had the unmitigated gall to launch a moderately successful attack on me during Defence today. I'd say it was by the book, but I don't think Weasley can read."

"My dear Severus, did you not say yourself that you were going to behave just as you always had in class?"

"So I did."

"Then why are you surprised they were prepared for you? You see, my strategy for keeping them on their toes is to dazzle them with never before seen facets of my dizzyingly varied personality. For example, you saw me play the dim aristocrat dozens of times for the Dark Lord, but the students have never seen it. Narcissa, rest her soul, was used to my unsubtle double-entendre, but Misses Abbott, Bones, and Granger certainly weren't."

Severus was back at the bottle of gin and hiccoughed loudly. "Did you even bother teaching them anything?"

"A Protean Charm," said Lucius dismissively. "Miss Granger had it right the first time, of course, but the others need more practise."

Severus nearly spat out a mouthful of gin.

"What are those wretches trying to do?" he complained. "It's as if they weren't even trying to get rid of you!"

"My dear Severus, unlike you, I've yet to give them a reason to get rid of me."

This time, Severus did spit out a mouthful of gin. "You tried to kill Weasley's sister with a piece of the Dark Lord's soul!" he sputtered. "You led the attack on Finch-Fletchley's father!"

"I did not try to kill the girl!" protested Lucius. "I merely tried to get her sent to Azkaban for killing her Muggle-born classmates."

"They will get rid of you, Lucius. They have means and motive. It's only a matter of opportunity."

"I don't know about you, old friend, but I'm not going anywhere unless I get what I want first."

Severus's speech was beginning to slur slightly. "And what exactly do you want, Lucius?"

Lucius handed him the bottle that he'd placed on the floor. "Never you mind, Severus. Now, why don't I have my elf bring us a meal, and we can discuss ways for you to frighten the children? Alas, Miss Granger borrowed most of my books on fear, but I'm certain that between the two of us, we can manage to terrify a few teenagers."

"You gave her all those books, too," said Severus accusingly.

"I beg your pardon, Severus. I was under the impression that students required books in order to do schoolwork."

"Do shut it, Lucius. She used them to complete the assignment I gave her, just as she plans to do with the books on manners she got from you this afternoon."

"And this is a problem?"

"It bloody well is!" exclaimed Severus. "The students aren't supposed to complete my assignments!"

A line appeared between Lucius's eyebrows. "Why did you assign them work if they aren't supposed to complete it?"

"That's a dim question, even for you, Lucius."

"Humour me."

Severus took a deep breath. "Their strategy for getting rid of their instructors thus far seems contingent on completing their schoolwork in a defiant and impertinent way. By forcing them to fail my assignments, I can feasibly threaten to give them failing marks, thus denying them a chance to sit the N.E.W.T.s."

"Clever."

"Except for the fact that, thanks to you, they have the opportunity to complete their assignments with satisfactory results."

"You really are a twisted fellow, you know," said Lucius conversationally. "I understand that most teachers take pride in their students' success."

"This isn't my success. This triumph belongs solely to that insufferable know-it-all."

"Galls you, does it?"

Severus flushed scarlet. "It makes me want to wring her neck until she stops asking questions."

Lucius lowered his tone. "Is that all you'd like to do to her?"

Severus thought for a moment. "The Cruciatus Curse. With Potter's wand."

"I was thinking more along the lines of removing her uniform clothing and lashing her to the bedposts."

"Humiliation? I didn't think you the type."

"It's called 'bondage,' as you ought to remember."

Severus snorted. "That term only applies in a sexual context. I believe… Circe's Suspender Belt, you cannot be serious, Lucius! The very thought is appalling!"

"Is it really, Severus?"

"She's a child!"

"Nearly twenty, remember? Two hundred years ago, an unmarried girl of her age would be considered an old maid."

"She's insufferable!"

"Perhaps, but powerful. Clever, too."

Severus snorted.

"She got the better of you, didn't she?" said Lucius with a trace of irritation.

"She did. Which raises the question, old friend, of what she will do to you when she finds out you've designs on trifling with her."

Lucius laughed. "I have no plans to trifle. I plan to take a wife."

Severus gaped at his friend, jaw working up and down soundlessly. Lucius took a sip of his drink, waiting for the inevitable explosion. Severus did not disappoint.

"Have you taken leave of your senses, man?"

"Of course not. And if you'd come to yours, you'd grasp the obvious reasons."

"Granger's the same age as Draco!"

"She's the same age Draco would have been," corrected Lucius.

This seemed to take the wind out of Severus's tirade. "Yes. Yes, you're quite right."

"Let us not mince words," said Lucius. "If I wish for the Malfoy line to continue, it means taking a wife. A young wife, if I wish to produce an heir or two. A clever wife, if I want our children to have any sense. A powerful wife, if I do not wish our children to be Squibs."

"A naive wife if she expects to have a faithful husband," commented Severus, eyes hard.

"As one of the beneficiaries of my broad interests, who are you to complain?"

"That was before you were married," exclaimed Severus, hotly, "and after Narcissa's death. If you were to marry again, don't think I would be so accommodating. And I sincerely doubt Granger would be at all understanding of your 'broad interests.' I am led to believe that many Muggles disapprove of such sampling."

"Many Muggles must be very dull indeed."

"Technically, magical matrimony is also supposed to discourage philandering."

"Rubbish. We have magic to ensure the fidelity of our witches. That's what's important, is it not?"

"Lucius, no self-respecting witch nowadays would bind herself to her husband unless he made a similar vow in return, especially not the Muggle-born bluestocking who fed Walden Macnair to the selfsame Hippogriff he tried to behead. Her sense of poetic justice is entirely too well-developed."

"I suppose it wouldn't matter that much as long as she took Contraceptive Potions and shared her particularly delectable lovers."

"This entire conversation is ludicrous. You will never have Miss Granger as a wife because she despises you and everything you stand for."

"I suppose you feel you could do better?"

"I have no desire to do better. The very thought turns my stomach."

"I don't believe you."

"What must I do? Wear sackcloth with 'I Renounce Hermione Granger and all Her Works' written on it?"

"You never could resist a woman who got the better of you, Severus."

Severus narrowed his eyes. "If you believe me in love with her, then why are you telling me of your designs on the girl?"

"If I have to explain it, you're drunker than I thought."

"Humour me."

"Because, old friend, I'm trying to keep from competing against you for her attentions. You're entirely too noble to pursue her after claiming to have no interest, especially when I inform you of my honourable intentions. At least, unless she gives you some sort of encouragement."

"Do you suspect her of harbouring feelings for me, then?" Severus sneered.

"As far as I know, the girl hates us both. However, I'm certainly not letting that get in the way of things."

Severus stood, wiped the mouth of the gin bottle on his sleeve, and handed it to Lucius. "I think you're going to need this more than I will."

Lucius held the bottle at arm's length, nose wrinkled slightly. "Get some sleep, Severus. I'll see you tomorrow. I need your help with lesson plans and plotting to snare my future wife."

"I'm afraid you're on your own in terms of securing your nuptial felicity. However, I might be able to provide some guidance in classes, given the right motivation."

"You know, you sound sexy when you drink gin."

"I was thinking more in terms of borrowing a book, Lucius."

"Of course, you sound sexy when you're not drinking gin, as well."

"Good night, Lucius."

"Good night, Severus."

The door closed behind Severus, and Lucius lay down on his bed, humming a waltz. A soft whooshing noise came from the wall, and he sat up to see the source of the sound.

There was a large translucent rooster hovering near the iron maiden.

"Well," said Lucius, sighing, "I suppose I was begging for cock a moment ago."

In response, the rooster emitted a deafening crow that sent papers flying all over the room.

Lucius smoothed a lock of hair that the blast had blown astray. "I see. Spirit, what must I do to make you sod off?"

The rooster smirked as well as a creature with no lips can and proceeded to zip about the room, rattling chains, tossing about instruments of torture, and hanging Lucius's collection of exotic underthings from the iron chandelier overhead.

Several flights of stairs above Lucius's dungeon, Severus paused to listen to the beautiful cacophony. A particularly loud curse from Lucius brought a smile to his thin lips, and in that moment Severus Snape would have delighted in congratulating Hermione Granger on a job well done. Fortunately, he had come to his senses by the time he emerged into the courtyard of Caer Brech, sour expression firmly in place.

o0o


	7. Chapter Seven

o0o

When Severus Snape walked into his Defence class on Monday morning, he was immediately set upon by twin Stunning Spells from two Disillusioned students on opposite sides of the classroom. Fortunately, he was prepared for this.

Two violent swipes of his wand sent the Stunners back to the corners of the classroom, where two loud thumps against the floor confirmed that he had managed to hit his targets. He threw himself to the right, narrowly missing a Burning Hex, which flew into the wall. He let himself fall to the ground and scurried behind his heavy oak desk, which rattled alarmingly as it was pounded by hexes from five wands.

Snape took a crystal phial from his pocket and flung it over the top of the desk.

 _"Reducto!"_ shouted Harry. The vial was blasted into tiny shards, but when the contents hit the air, they evaporated into a dull green haze.

Hannah gasped.

"Use a Bubble-Head Charm!" yelled Hermione.

But it was too late. In the students' haste to protect themselves from the green vapour, Snape had seized the opportunity to disarm them.

He wordlessly Summoned all seven wands and stalked through the swirling mist to where the students cowered, sleeves covering their mouths and noses.

He raised an eyebrow at them. "You didn't really think I'd waste valuable Chloroflox on this class, did you?"

Harry gaped at him. "Chloroflox is illegal!"

"Yes," said Snape smugly, "but split pea soup, even in aerosol form, is not."

He basked in their stunned expressions for a moment before turning on his heel, deliberately putting his back to them. "Now, if any of you would care to explain why you thought I would be stupid enough to release a deadly poison in a locked room?"

"I don't think you're stupid, sir," piped up Hannah. "But I do think you'd need little motivation to poison us all."

"And poison myself in the process?"

"You're a Potions Master," said Ron. "You might have invented an antidote just for the occasion."

"Pleasant thought, Weasley, but no. I haven't managed to find cures for the Unforgivable Curses, either. No, you are still quite far from the point I was trying to make."

"It's panic," said Susan, suddenly. "It's like in those essays you had us write. We panicked and reacted without any sort of judgement or reasoning. If we'd watched to see if you were drinking a potion or casting the Bubble-Head Charm on yourself, we might have concluded that it wasn't Chloroflox."

"Or even if it was Chloroflox or another weapon of the sort, we wouldn't have cast a spell to break the vial," added Hermione. "We would have contained it."

Snape muttered something that sounded suspiciously like "Good." He cleared his throat. "Now, if I may ask, whose idea was the Disillusioned Stunners?"

"Ron's," said Harry, still too shaken to be doing an effective impression of his father.

"The strategy was sound," said Snape in a mild voice. "I hadn't planned to use the split pea soup except as a final resort. And now that you lot know I am capable of nonlethal combat, I hope that in the future you will attempt to use the knowledge I have been assiduously attempting to cram into your craniums instead of wasting your adrenaline on panicked spell casting. Now, can any of you tell me the proper incantation to counter Sectumsempra?"

Harry's eyes blazed, but he managed to hold his temper in check. "There isn't an incantation. It's just singing."

"Wrong, Potter," said Snape with a disdainful edge to his voice. "There is an incantation, but, to be fair, it isn't in any language that you know."

Neville haltingly raised his hand. "Please, Professor, what language is it?"

"Tell me, Longbottom, have you ever heard any beings other than humans sing?"

Neville thought for a moment. "Mermaids."

"Correct. Now, repeat after me. Eeeeeee!"

"EEEEEEEEE!"

Snape held his hands over his ears. "Great Gog, are you all incapable of distinguishing one note from another? Mermish is a tonal language, for pity's sake! Use your ears! Eeeeeee!"

"Eeeeeee!"

"Better. Now, I know you gentlemen are keen to prove your masculinity, particularly with the young ladies present, but you must join us in the correct octave. Eeeeeee!"

"Eeeeeee!"

"Congratulations, you have learned your first syllable of Mermish. Only a hundred and sixteen to go. Now, repeat: Ohnnng."

"Excuse me, Professor Snape?"

"What is it, Miss Granger?'

"What's the point in having us speak Mermish? It's not a Dark Art."

His frown was eloquent, but his voice was mild. "Perhaps it's escaped your notice that this class is entitled Defence Against the Dark Arts. Mermish spells have been adopted by the research community for years because they work far more quickly than standard healing incantations and with greater potency against Dark curses."

"Then why aren't they used at St. Mungo's?" persisted Hermione.

"They are used at St. Mungo's, though that is hardly common knowledge, since by the time a patient arrives at the publicly accessible parts of St. Mungo's, he or she is usually beyond the window of time in which using emergency Mermish spells would have an advantage over more traditional healing methods. Besides," Snape glanced at Harry, "many people are disconcerted by hearing a strange language spoken by a human. Now, if I may return to teaching this class? Repeat after me: Ohnnng!"

"Ohnnng!"

"Gaaaar!"

"Gaaaar!"

"Boooovs!"

"Boooovs!"

Now, all together: EeeeeeeOhnngGaaaarBooooovs!"

"EeeeeeeOhnngGaaaarBoooovs!"

There were several gasps as Snape's mouth lifted in what was unmistakably a smile. "I never would have believed it. There's hope for the world, yet. Congratulations. You've just learned your first spell in Mermish."

"What does it do?" asked Neville.

"It rids Mediterranean Mermaids of parasites in hard-to-reach areas. Now, the incantation to dispel Sectumsempra is much more complex. Repeat after me." Snape sang a series of soft syllables that seemed to hang in the air like mist.

"Please, Professor Snape," asked Hermione, quill raised. "How do you spell that?"

"Impossible, unless you know the Magical Phonetic Alphabet, I'm afraid," said Snape, ignoring her deliberately grating tone. "Now, let me break it down into words."

o0o

It was a thoughtful Hermione Granger who entered Lucius Malfoy's classroom, hardly seeming to notice the precipitous pile of books she carried. She came back to herself when she found him draped over a book on his desk, fast asleep.

She slammed the pile of books down on the corner of his desk and grinned as he snapped into wakefulness, cheek red from being pressed against the book and sporting a line of dried spittle at one corner of his mouth.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Professor Malfoy!" she said. "I thought you were examining an ancient text."

"I- oh, yes. Quite. Ah. Miss Granger, is it? Why- oh, yes. Runes?"

"Yes sir. I've also returned all your books."

Lucius scrubbed his fist against his eye and yawned hugely. "Excellent. I hope they were useful."

"I couldn't have got by without them," she said, hoping her glee wasn't showing through. "But I'm still not decided on a final project. I was hoping I might borrow some more once we've discussed prognostication algorithms in South America."

"Progwhatsication? Oh yes. Runes. Ancient Runes. Little pictures. Very interesting subject."

"Are you all right, sir?"

"All right, Hermione. May I call you Hermione? Just tired, Hermione. Didn't get a wink all weekend. So tired. Hermione." His eyelids lowered and he began swaying alarmingly.

Hermione seized his shoulders and kept him from crashing into the desk. "All right, sir. Let's get you someplace horizontal, and quickly."

"Oh good," said Lucius in a singsong voice. "Horizontal quickly. I like that."

She hoisted his arm over her shoulder and heaved him to his feet. "Come on, Professor Malfoy. I'll try to exorcise that poultrygeist and get you some peace and quiet."

"I'd rather have a piece of- oh!" he cut off with a giggle. "That's not delicate to say in front of a lady."

"No ladies here," said Hermione lightly, leading him down the dank stairwell. "Just a filthy little Mudblood."

Lucius pulled away from her with a scowl. "That word is most unbecoming."

"Blood-traitor? Shame of your flesh?"

"Only an utter fool ignorant of your power and brilliance would denigrate you as such," Lucius said.

"That was uncharacteristically complimentary and polysyllabic."

Lucius waved his hand. "This is like being drunk," he mused. "I'd find it hard to deny you anything."

"In that case, please stick out your tongue and wiggle your fingers in your ears."

"I beg your pardon!"

"Liar. You're just embarrassed I caught you not looking your best."

His hand flew instinctively to his hair. "What do you mean?"

"Never mind. We're here." She threw open his door, finding, to her pleasure, that the room had been completely upended. "Get to bed, Professor Malfoy. I'll deal with the ghost. HOI!"

The poultrygeist appeared before her, an expectant look on its face.

She raised her wand and flourished it impressively. "Begone, fowl spirit!"

It disappeared with an infinitesimal wink and a squawk.

"That was impressive," said a voice in her ear. Hermione jumped. Lucius had removed his outer robe and shirt and sidled up next to her.

"I read about poultrygeists at Hogwarts," she said, unnerved by his proximity. "They're not that difficult to get rid of."

"So clever," he murmured, wrapping a possessive arm around her waist.

Hermione tried unsuccessfully to slip out of his grasp. "What do you think you're doing? Stop!"

"No, I've had three sleepless nights to contemplate how I should thank you for sending that ridiculous creature to me, and I won't wait any longer. Now, kiss me, you devilish little minx."

Hermione thought fast. She lowered her eyelids and leaned against his chest. "That's so very brave of you, sir, and I find that irresistible."

Lucius crooned. "I knew you'd come around to- one moment. What do you mean, 'brave?'"

Hermione chuckled. "There's no need to be modest," said Hermione, fingering a lock of hair that hung over his shoulder. "There are men in this world who would let the matter of communicable curse aftereffects scare them off, especially when the curse came from the Dark Lord. I suspected you were made of sterner stuff, and I'm looking forward to finding out just how stern."

Lucius's arms stiffened and he shifted imperceptibly away from Hermione. She darted in, seizing the belt at the top of his trousers and pulled him close. "Never mind that, Professor- Lucius. The healers at St. Mungo's assured me that there was only a forty percent chance of it being transmitted through protected intimate contact. Now, take me, Professor!"

Lucius held her at arm's length. "What exactly is 'it?'"

"Oh, you know," said Hermione dismissively. "Spots. Compromised fashion sense. The occasional sensation that your blood has turned to molten lead in your veins. Nothing terribly debilitating. Now, I believe you were about to ravish me against the wall?"

"I- er-"

She pressed up against him. "Come, Lucius. I ache for you. Unless you're too tired?"

"Yes!" exclaimed Lucius. "That's it! I'm too tired!"

"Oh well," said Hermione with a sigh. "I suppose we'll postpone until you've caught up with your sleep."

"Good. Don't come down here. I'll come to you."

"The password is 'Clytemnestra.' Now," she said, reaching toward his bare chest, "let's get you tucked in."

He jumped back quickly. "That's quite all right, my dear. I'll be fine on my own."

"If you insist, sir."

"No need to trouble yourself," he said, taking several steps away from her, slipping into the bed, and pulling the sheet up to his chin. "I'll just go to sleep now."

"It's no trouble," said Hermione. "I'd be happy to help warm the sheets for you."

"Unnecessary," said Lucius. "It's lovely and warm down here, isn't it?"

Hermione wrinkled her nose. "If you say so. I suppose I'll go get some reading done. Goodbye, Lucius. I'll see you again very soon."

Lucius waved feebly as she exited the room. He wondered if he had enough energy to take a potion bath and disinfect his sheets.

Meanwhile, Hermione Granger found herself alone in Lucius Malfoy's Ancient Runes classroom, which suited her down to the ground. She considered Hellspont's _Novum Symbolum_ to be far more entertaining and useful company than a punch-drunk Lucius Malfoy. Though, she had to admit, the man had a lovely chest.

o0o


	8. Chapter Eight

o0o

That evening, a knock at the door pulled Hermione from St. Malpedus's _Scabellum Pedum Tuorum_ , another prize pilfered from Lucius's library. She was surprised to find her co-conspirators standing in the hallway. She ushered them in quietly, locked the door, and cast Muffilato. She was immediately concerned that Hannah didn't return her smile.

"To what do I owe the honour?"

Neville stepped forward. "We want to keep Snape."

Hermione's mouth opened to argue, but Harry held up his hand. "Let us finish, Hermione. When we started this- whatever this is- we all agreed that the best way to thumb our noses at the Ministry would be to force them to play by our rules, right?"

"We agreed that the only way to do that was to get rid of all of the teachers, Harry."

"Right," said Ron. "But we've changed our minds. I reckon if we manage to drive off all the teachers but one, it still proves our point and we're actually more likely to get our way because we've shown that we can complete N.E.W.T.s level courses if the teacher sticks around."

"And let's face it, Hermione," said Hannah, "Ever since we trained Snape not to insult us and lose his temper, classes have been absolutely amazing."

"We're learning Master-Level Potions and have practical Defence classes with one of the most powerful wizards alive, even if he is a Dark wizard," added Susan. "Even you have to admit that Snape's classes are good."

"Besides," said Ron, "We've been spending so much time working on Potions and Defence that we haven't got rid of a single teacher since Malfoy and Snape came. Maybe it's time to renew our efforts."

"And honestly, you don't seem to be working that hard to get rid of Malfoy," said Justin, gesturing at the book on her bed.

Hermione stood, stung. "Is that what you all think? That I've been going easy on Malfoy for his books?"

"Well, you've had a different stack every night," said Hannah. "What conclusion ought we to have drawn?"

"I stole this from Malfoy's classroom because he's hiding in the dungeons. I'd be very surprised if he bothers showing up for Charms tomorrow."

"Why?" asked Hannah.

"Because I convinced him that he'd develop a skin condition if he tried to get close to me. He won't be in a three metre radius with me for love or money."

Ron's eyes widened. "You did WHAT?"

"I might have also mentioned that it would cause him to develop bad fashion sense, too," she added, thoughtfully.

"And he believed you?" asked Susan, sceptically.

"The poultrygeist kept him up all weekend. I don't think he was in top mental form."

"That wasn't very nice," said Harry admiringly.

"Neither was he, for all that the attention was kind of flattering." Hermione paused for a moment as looks of comprehension and horror dawned on her classmates' faces. "Look, I'm fine. I just don't trust Malfoy, and I'd advise you all to give him a wide berth as much as possible."

"Do you think he'd try anything similar with us?" asked Hannah nervously.

"If he does, just hint at how much time you spend in close quarters with me."

"I always heard that Malfoy'd try to shag anything on two legs," said Justin, "and once he sets his sights on you, you're in trouble."

"Where did you hear that?" asked Hermione scornfully.

"Blaise Zabini."

Harry rolled his eyes. "And how would Blaise know anything abou- oh." Harry flushed scarlet.

Ron gulped. "Malfoy doesn't really fancy blokes, does he?"

Susan looked uneasy. "I overheard Pansy Parkinson talking about what used to go on at his parties. She had it from her mum."

Hermione was interested in spite of herself. "What sorts of things?"

"All sorts. Men with men, women with women, men with women with men, women with women with-"

"Were there ever centaurs at the parties?" asked Justin.

Harry stuck his fingers in his ears. "I'm not hearing this!" he announced loudly.

"All right, all right. If Malfoy ever tries to lure you down to his dungeon, and you'd rather not go, just claim that you and I had sex, since he believes my curse will turn him into a spotty fashion disaster. If the sort of thing Susan described is what he's used to, the excuse should work for all of you, no questions asked."

"You're not worried about your reputation?" asked Susan.

"What do I care what Malfoy thinks of my reputation? Besides, it's hardly an insult."

"You were insulted before," said Ron.

Hermione smacked him in the arm. "There's a bit of difference between using a story like that to protect one's own virtue and using it to pad one's own reputation."

"If it makes you feel any better, nobody believed me," said Ron. "Except for that one manky git who called me delusional when I later admitted that we were just friends. I think he even wrote a book about it right before it was all over. My brothers haven't let me live it down."

"Mental, that one," said Justin, shaking his head.

"But back to the subject of Snape," said Hermione. "I agree that he's much better now than he ever was, but all our other teachers, Malfoy excepted, have been experts in their field with strong teaching experience. What makes him so special?"

"Well," said Harry, "I've been thinking a bit about Snape. It seems to me that he's got the short end of the stick in a lot of ways. If we gave him this, he might have an easier time of things ahead. Kind of a vote of confidence."

Hermione frowned. "Why does he deserve a vote of confidence? Hasn't he always been awful to us? Didn't he betray everyone's trust? Didn't he kill the Headmaster?"

"Well, yeah," said Ron. "But he saved us loads of times before. That, and things as we know them don't quite add up."

"My aunt always used to tell us not to second-guess the Wizengamot because they see the evidence and we don't," added Susan. "There must have been something pretty compelling for them to have let him go, because he certainly doesn't have the money and influence that Lucius Malfoy does."

"Unless Lucius Malfoy was pulling strings for the both of them," Hermione pointed out. "I don't trust either of them."

"All you need to trust is that Snape will continue to give us interesting and useful classes," said Harry. "And we could always reconsider our stance if he gets up to his old tricks."

"It's not like we're asking you to marry the man," said Justin, "just don't actively try to drive him off."

"You can do whatever you want with Malfoy," said Hannah. "I, for one, will be happy to help get rid of him."

"Me too, especially if it means I can say Hermione shagged me!" exclaimed Ron happily.

"All right," said Hermione, delivering a solid punch to Ron's arm. "I'll think long and hard about Snape and promise not to deliberately antagonise him after tonight."

"It's after ten, Hermione. What are you planning to do to him between now and tomorrow morning?" asked Harry.

A loud cock crow was audible from outside the window, but the accompanying crashes were silenced with surprising rapidity.

The students looked at one another in confusion.

"What did he do to the poultrygeist?" asked Ron.

"Something obnoxiously brilliant, I'm sure," said Hermione with a sigh. "Why does he have to be so difficult?"

Ron patted her shoulder. "Think of it this way- now you'll have that much more time to devote to getting rid of the other teachers. Now, since we're covering Japanese Jumping Juniper this week in Herbology, I thought we might turn your Snape-training methods to higher plants."

Hermione raised an eyebrow. "Tell me more."

o0o

Several days later, Severus let himself into Lucius's room in the dungeon, where he found Lucius still fast asleep, sheets tangled about his legs and his head underneath a pillow. He cleared his throat.

"Go away." Lucius's voice muffled by the pillow.

"Get up. You missed Charms yesterday and you have to teach Runes today."

"I'm content to lie here and be miserable, no thanks to you. I am surprised at you, Severus, goading me into pursuing the girl when you knew perfectly well that she's dangerous!"

"I'm surprised it's taken you this long to figure that out, Lucius. You witnessed the curses she managed to land on Dolohov as thanks for what he did to her at the Department of Mysteries, after all."

"That's not what I meant," said Lucius impatiently. "You did know that the Dark Lord cursed her before he died."

"Yes. I brewed the Potion that restored her. And I'll thank you not to repeat that. I have a reputation to uphold."

"Then why the malicious lies of omission regarding the side effects?"

Severus frowned. "What side effects?"

"The sexually transmitted ones."

"Lucius, have you taken Stupidity Solution? The Dark Lord turned Miss Granger into a marble statue, a fairly common punishment in ancient Greece. Fortunately, the literature on the subject is relatively well preserved, albeit obscure, and I managed to restore her before she had weathered significantly. There are no lingering side effects."

Lucius looked curiously at his friend. "Are you quite sure?"

A smirk began to spread over Severus's face. "Would you care to relate the circumstances under which Miss Granger 'confessed' having received a magical disease of Venus from the Dark Lord?"

Lucius pulled the pillow over his head again.

Severus's smirk widened into a grin. "And, pray, what supposed side effects were awful enough to catapult you into an extended sulk? The threat of bad hair for the rest of your life?"

Lucius crushed the pillow with his hands. "She knew I hadn't the capacity for analytical thought," he complained. "It was most unsporting of her to use it against me."

"On the contrary, it was clever of her to exploit the weakness you foolishly exposed. Am I to take it, then, that Miss Granger repelled your advances?"

"Repelled is just the word," said Lucius, tossing the pillow off the bed for emphasis. He sat up on his elbow. "In retrospect, it was quite an extraordinary performance, if one can get over the indignity of having had the wool thoroughly pulled over one's eyes."

"You'll get over it," said Severus. "Your ego is nothing if not resilient."

"True," said Lucius amicably. "Especially now that my mind is pleasantly occupied with turning the tables today during Runes."

"I'll do my best to wear her down in Defence this morning. I must say, when all this is over, I may miss the melees at the beginning of class. It's a most invigorating way to start one's day."

"Don't do anything disfiguring, please," said Lucius. "It would be just like you to spoil my fun that way."

"A moment ago, you were prepared never to see her again because you thought she'd have a detrimental effect on your appearance."

"Ancient history, old friend."

"You really are the most shockingly shallow, fickle individual it has ever been my displeasure to know."

"And you really shouldn't be allowed to wander the halls all buttoned up like that," said Lucius, laying a finger on the top button of Severus's robe. "You might give the students ideas about ripping your clothes off. Or perhaps that's just me."

"A brave attempt, but you'll not distract me from my class. It starts five minutes from now, and I haven't forgotten our bet, Lucius. You're already behind from missing Charms. I'd win if they had to sack you, you know."

"As if the Ministry could find someone to take the post if I left it," said Lucius, slipping into a silk robe.

"It'd be me, most likely, and I've no desire to teach Runes."

"Even with your hard-won ten galleons to keep you warm at night?"

"Get stuffed, Lucius."

"Good day, Severus."

Lucius laughed heartily as Severus slammed the door behind him, and opened the wardrobe, running his fingers lightly over the exquisite textures of his clothes. In order to gain the advantage on Miss Granger, some reconnaissance would be required, preferably on someone who would be susceptible to his charms.

o0o


	9. Chapter Nine

o0o

Lucius stood in the corridor leading to Severus's Defence classroom, twirling the head of his cane absently in his fingers. All the pieces were in place. He was dressed in his most impressive robes that could almost pass for appropriate teaching wear. A decadent luncheon was set to arrive in his chambers, complete with champagne and succulent summer fruits. Now, all he needed was a student out of whom to coax information about Hermione. He smirked inwardly as he saw a pigtailed figure walking determinedly down the hallway.

"Miss Abbott! A pleasure to see you."

Hannah froze as Lucius Malfoy, resplendent in velvet, swept down on her. "P-Professor Malfoy?"

"No need for that formality when we are not in class, my dear. I would be delighted if you'd call me Lucius," he said with a charming smile.

Hannah's eyes darted frantically from side to side, looking for an exit. "I- I- I'll be late for Defence."

"Calm yourself, my dear. Severus has a frightful temper, but he's really all bark and no bite, you know. I had hoped to speak with you on a subject of a delicate nature, so if you are available at lunchtime today, I would be honoured if you would join me in my rooms for a _tete a tete_."

"I can't."

"I'm so sorry to hear that," said Malfoy, mentally moving on to the next name on his list. "Perhaps another time?"

"I'm sleeping with Hermione!" blurted Hannah.

Lucius blinked. "I beg your pardon?"

"That's why I can't have a _tete a tete_ with you today at lunch," said Hannah, sounding oddly confident. "I'm going to be having sex with Hermione. We do it all the time, you know. Goodbye, Professor Malfoy."

Lucius stared at her as she practically sprinted down the hallway. Well, that would certainly explain Miss Granger's antipathy toward the male staff. He shook his head, attempting to clear the image of Miss Granger doing unspeakable things with Miss Abbott's pigtails from his mind's eye, when another set of footsteps caught his attention. He picked a piece of nonexistent lint from his robe.

"Mr. Finch-Fletchley!" he called to the approaching student. "A word, if you please?"

"I'm sorry, Professor Malfoy," said the boy in obsequious tones, "I was just on my way to Professor Snape's classroom. No time to chat, sorry!"

Lucius stepped deliberately into Justin's path. "I will speak to Severus on your behalf if I make you late. I greatly desire to speak with you on a matter of some urgency. Given your schedule, perhaps you could come to my quarters during lunchtime? I would provide refreshment, of course."

"I'm sorry, Professor Malfoy," said Justin, "but I will be otherwise occupied."

"Really, Mr. Finch-Fletchley," said Lucius with a throaty laugh, "what could possibly be more tempting than what I have to offer?"

"I'd love to fill you in, sir, but what happens between me and Hermione stays between me and Hermione."

"I haven't the pleasure of taking your meaning," said Lucius, hardly daring to believe his ears.

"If that's so, then I owe Hermione a full body massage for casting such good Muffling Charms," said Justin with a conspiratorial wink. "Well, I'm off to class! Cheers, Professor Malfoy!" He walked off, whistling.

When Justin had disappeared around the corner, Susan Bones came tearing down the hall and collided with Lucius. He seized her arms to keep her from falling, and she ended up pressed against his chest, looking up into his eyes.

"Professor Malfoy, I'm so sorry!" she said breathlessly. "I was trying to look up the countercurse that Professor Snape hinted he might make us know for class today and-"

"Hush, my dear," whispered Lucius, pressing the pad of his index finger to her lips. "I am relieved to find you unhurt."

Susan lowered her gaze. "That's very kind of you, sir. I'll be going now."

"What's your hurry?" asked Lucius, running his hands gently down to cup her elbows.

"I can't be late! If I am, my own classmates might accidentally curse me when I enter, thinking I'm Professor Snape."

"Very well," said Lucius, tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear. "I suppose I can wait to continue this conversation over lunch, if you're available. Say, my quarters after your class?"

Susan's eyes widened. "I'm afraid I'm not available."

"Really, Miss Bones, you nearly run down a lonely widower, and you can't be bothered to take lunch with me?"

"It's not that, sir, it's just that I have scheduled a- a liaison over lunch."

Lucius glared at her. "Let me guess. You and Miss Granger. I hope you'll forgive me if I doubt the veracity of your excuse, as it has already been given to me by Miss Abbott and Mr. Finch-Fletchley."

"Of course they said the same thing," explained Susan patiently. "That's how the entire Defence class unwinds."

Lucius's expression on someone with a lesser reputation for gentility might have been described as gaping. "All of you?"

"Well, not Professor Snape, of course," said Susan.

"Together? Intimately? Penetratively?"

Susan blushed more deeply and disentangled herself from Lucius's grasp. "A lady never kisses and tells. Goodbye, Professor Malfoy!"

Lucius's shock was just beginning to fade when Harry and Ron appeared from around the corner, deep in discussion. Lucius hid behind a suit of armour and listened.

"So, do you reckon it would be a good idea to try again with Susan?" asked Harry.

Ron shrugged. "She seemed to like it when you did it in class."

"Yeah, but I thought maybe she liked making Professor Snape yell at us more than she liked me touching her."

"You know me, I'm much better figuring out blokes than girls."

"Yeah," said Harry, shoving his glasses further up his nose. "I know you don't want to be in the middle of all this."

"Well, try doing it after class after Snape leaves. It'll be the perfect opportunity. I'll even try to distract the others so you can have a little bit of privacy."

"That'd be brilliant!"

"Just one thing."

"What?"

"Promise me you won't do that thing with your hair. It makes you look like a prat."

"I only do that to get a rise out of Snape."

Ron gave him a doubtful look. "How?"

Harry grinned. "You know how my dad and Snape felt about each other? Well, the hair thing is something my dad used to do. Seeing me do it makes Snape twitch like mad!"

Ron roared with laughter. "Hermione's idea?"

"How'd you know?"

"She's the only one I know that subtle at pressing everyone's buttons, the brilliant, scary girl."

"I'm awfully glad she likes us."

"Me too, mate," said Ron with a satisfied smile. "Oh! I nearly forgot- are we all getting together at Hermione's tonight?"

"Yeah. She said she found something in one of Malfoy's books that she's anxious to try."

"The girl is insatiable!" exclaimed Ron.

"C'mon, let's get to class," said Harry. "I've got a girl to distract from her studies."

When the two boys had gone, Lucius emerged from his hiding place, shock rapidly disintegrating into unadulterated lust. The children were copulating like conies while under the auspices of the Ministry of Magic! It was devious. It was deviant. It was giving him an erection the size of a Bowtruckle.

He made a beeline for the dungeon stairs, cloak wrapped obscuringly around himself, and slammed the door of his chambers behind him. Moments later, his clothes were gone and his hands were flying up and down the shaft of his penis as images of his students writhing over and in one another played against the insides of his eyelids.

When he had spent himself with a groan, he flopped back on to the bed with a contented smile on his face, fingertips slick with ejaculate. Who would have thought Hermione Granger had an appetite for such things? "Insatiable" even? He could hardly wait for class to begin.

o0o

That evening, Severus Snape had settled in to mark his Defence Class's essays comparing and contrasting basic Mermish and Gobbledygook spells when there was a brisk knock at the door.

Lucius never knocked. It could only be a student. "Go away!" he said loudly. To his surprise, the door opened to reveal Hermione Granger.

"Out!" he snapped, pointing his index finger towards the door.

"No, thank you," said Hermione pleasantly, taking the seat opposite his desk. "We have things to discuss."

"We have no such thing," said Severus. "I have marking to do, and you are disturbing me."

"Then we'll just pretend that you threatened me with bodily harm and hexing a few times and get to the heart of the matter. Lucius Malfoy made me an interesting proposition today, and I'd like to hear your thoughts on the matter."

"I couldn't care less who propositions you, Miss Granger."

She raised an eyebrow. "I thought you might be interested to know that Lucius propositioned me on your behalf."

Severus nearly upset his inkwell. "WHAT?"

Hermione hid smile. "That's a collective 'your.' Both of you. At once."

"I'll hex him into next week," said Severus, standing. "That walking set of genitals has gone too far this time."

"There's no need to be so melodramatic, sir," she said. "But I would like to know what you know of his intentions."

"What makes you think I know anything about Lucius's little love games?"

"You're his friend," said Hermione, "and a close enough friend that he was most convincing on the subject of your ardour for me."

"Miss Granger," said Severus stiffly, "I don't know what malarkey Lucius has been feeding you, but I assure you that I had nothing to do with it."

"That much is clear," she said nodding. "Today in Runes I was exposed to the most unsubtle flattery and flirtation I've had the displeasure of experiencing, and all the while, Lucius was claiming it was you who said it first."

"Yes," said Severus, mouth a thin disapproving line. "It's a tactic he's tried before."

"I believe he meant to make himself more attractive to me by painting you as the lecherous teacher and himself as my confidante."

"Precisely."

"I don't think it worked exactly as he intended, though. By the time I left, I'd convinced him that I was coming up here to seduce you."

Severus snorted. "I'm certain that went over well."

"A little too well, and that makes me suspicious. My question for you is simply this: do you think he's after a _ménage a trois_ or something more permanent?"

Severus sighed. "Both, if at all possible, I should think."

"Oh," she said. "That makes sense."

"If so, then you're starting to get the measure of the man," said Severus, sitting down and taking up his quill. "Now, will you leave me to finish my marking?"

"I have a few more questions for you, sir, if you don't mind."

"And if I do mind?"

She shrugged. Severus had to admire the girl's chutzpah.

"Miss Granger, I really do have better things to do than gossip about Lucius."

"Then it's a good thing I don't have any more questions about him. Rather, I'd like to invite you to join me and Lucius tomorrow evening for intimate entertainments."

Severus's quill stilled. "I beg your pardon, Miss Granger. I thought for a moment there that you propositioned me."

"I did."

"That's enough," said Severus in a flat voice.

Hermione ignored him. "It's interesting," she remarked, "how one little suggestion, or in this case, how one ham-handed comment like 'just think how two experienced men could make you feel,' can bring about a watershed realisation."

"You suddenly decided that you wished to copulate with two men you despise?" He laid down his quill and rested his chin on his hand. "Merlin help me, I'd like to hear this."

"It's quite simple," she said, fidgeting hands the only external sign that she was nervous. "I can't help imagining what a man skilled in Defence Against the Dark Arts would be like as a lover. 'The Dark Arts'," she quoted, walking around his desk, "'are many, varied, ever-changing, and eternal.' Surely, you can grasp my curiosity."

"How nice," he said sarcastically. "She remembers my speech."

"It's easy to remember words when they're delivered so memorably." She leaned on the edge of his desk, leg nearly touching his arm. "'Fighting them is like a many headed monster, which, each time a neck is severed, sprouts a head even fiercer and cleverer than before,'" she quoted, boldly extending her hand and brushing her fingertips against his collar.

"Miss Granger-" he began in a warning tone.

"'Your defences must therefore be as flexible and inventive as the arts you seek to undo,'" she recited, leaning her face toward his as her fingers deftly unfastened the top button of his robe.

Severus practically jumped out of his chair. "Enough! All of this does nothing to explain why you accepted Lucius, then, for all his clumsy flirtations?"

"All I said is that they were obvious and ham-handed. I didn't say they were ineffective."

"So," he sneered, "Lucius teased you to bursting and sent you to spew your sexual frustration in my direction. How neighbourly."

"I don't think you can blame Lucius entirely for this," said Hermione.

"Miss Granger, you never would have considered me as a lover before Lucius planted the thought in your head," said Severus harshly. He held up a hand to forestall her protest. "I know this because he did the same thing to me."

Hermione looked utterly gobsmacked. "You?"

Severus nodded.

"For me?"

Severus glared at her. "Yes."

"But why is it a bad thing to have an acquaintance point out something you hadn't noticed before?"

"Because, Miss Granger, it is manipulation, pure and simple, and I, for one, have had enough of it."

"I disagree," said Hermione, "and I'm not going to turn my back on an idea that I feel has merit simply because I don't trust the person who suggested it."

"Then what a pity for you and Lucius that I have no use for children in my bed."

"Very convincing, sir," she said sincerely. "And I'm certain you wouldn't respond a bit if I did this." She seized his face with her hands and pressed her lips gently to his. It took Severus a moment to clear the dense fog that had suddenly settled in his brain and stop kissing her back.

"Certainly not," said Severus, eyes ablaze. "Such behaviour would be highly inappropriate and land you in a spot of trouble." He seized her about the waist and returned her kiss with unyielding lips.

She enthusiastically returned the kiss, moaning softly into his mouth and applying a truly impressive variety of embouchure. "I like this spot of trouble," she sighed, breath hot in his ear.

A warm shudder ran through his body. This was not good. He pulled back from her reluctantly.

Her face was flushed and her kiss-reddened lips were turned upwards in a dizzy smile. "Can I count on you to be there tomorrow evening?"

A nasty thought occurred to him. "It was a valiant effort, Miss Granger, but I'll not be got rid of so easily."

It was Hermione's turn to look confused.

"I am well aware of what happens to teachers who dally with their students. I must congratulate you on an impressive impersonation of desire, but I can only believe that this is yet another of your ploys to have me removed from my position. I must renew my request that you remove yourself from my presence."

Hermione stared at him, uncomprehending. "Just like that?"

"I could curse you to make my refusal appear more vigorous, but the skill you demonstrated with your tongue seems to have brought out my softer side."

"I don't suppose you'd believe me if I assured you that getting rid of you was no longer my goal because Neville Longbottom wants to keep you?"

"Not even if it were the truth. Now leave me in peace. While you're at it, you might develop some scruples. There are a number of unkind words for women who use such tactics to get what they want."

There was a definite sheen of unshed tears in Hermione's eyes. "I suppose I can only blame myself. There's a Muggle story about a shepherd boy who delighted in making the townsfolk run about by crying 'Wolf!' Then, when a wolf really did come, the boy was out of luck."

"I am familiar with the story."

"Then why are you leaving me to the wolf?"

"Two reasons: first, because I don't trust you any further than I can throw you without magic, and second, because I think you'll enjoy being eaten by the wolf, given that you two are as alike as two tails on a Crup."

"Having a brain and not being afraid to use it doesn't make me the kind of person Lucius is!" she exclaimed in frustration.

He clapped sarcastically. "Bravo, Miss Granger. To lay it on thicker would require a trowel. If I were ignorant of your penchant for stealing potions ingredients or your flagrant misuse of a Ministry-granted Time Turner to aid a convicted criminal, I might be taken in."

"That's rich coming from an ex-Death Eater who killed the most beloved wizard in England!" she shouted, losing her temper at last.

"That's the interesting thing about motivation," said Severus silkily. "It can make the difference between a hero and a-," he cleared his throat, "criminal. Thus, if you were able to produce someone, preferably not under the Imperius Curse, who could attest to the veracity of any of your statements to me, I might be more inclined to consider you. As it is, go back to Lucius. He'll make you a fine husband, even if he will resort to charms to ensure that your offspring are blond."

"Haven't you delivered enough blows to my ego tonight without mocking me, or is this the part you enjoy?"

"Go away, Granger. I decided to stop suffering your presence several minutes ago."

A sudden light lit her eyes, but as quickly as it had appeared, it vanished beneath a bland expression. She turned on her heel and left the room without speaking a word.

Oddly unsettled by her reaction, or lack thereof, Severus returned to his grading. A tiny section of his brain whispered that she was up to no good. However, it was soon distracted by Hannah Abbot's extraneous apostrophes in the word "its."

o0o


	10. Chapter Ten

o0o

Harry was pulled out of a light doze by insistent knocking on his door. He put on his glasses and opened the door a crack.

"Harry," whispered Hermione, "I really need to talk to you."

"Sure," he said, not quite certain why he was whispering, too. He ushered her into his room and closed the door. He raised an eyebrow when she cast a locking charm on the door and Muffilatio in rapid succession before she sat down next to him on the bed.

"So- er- what's going on?" Harry was surprised to see tears in his friend's eyes.

"I'm really confused." She gave a pitiful sniffle that somehow seemed to steel her resolve. "Tell me everything you know about Snape. And I mean everything you know, everything you've heard from anyone else, especially Dumbledore, and everything you suspect, even vaguely, about what he did for our side during the war."

"Whoa, Hermione, you do realise it's late and we have class tomorrow?"

"I know. I'm so sorry Harry, but I need to know."

"Why?"

"It's a long story, but I think I may fancy him and I want to know if I'm delusional or not."

Harry nearly fell off the bed. "WHAT? ARE YOU MAD?"

Hermione lowered her head miserably. "You're the one who made me think that he might not have murdered the Headmaster," she said. "And something he said to me tonight made me wonder."

"Just the other night you wanted to get rid of him, and now you fancy him?"

"There's an awful lot in between that night and now."

"Then start talking," said Harry.

"It all started in Runes today. I think Lucius figured out that I'm not really cursed, because he was trying to have it off with me like you wouldn't believe. He kept referring to my extra-curricular activities, by which I think he meant what Susan, Hannah, and Justin claimed we were doing."

"Pervy git. He didn't touch you, did he?" Harry asked hopefully. "I could justify hexing his bollocks off, then."

"No, he didn't touch me," said Hermione in an odd voice. "The annoying part is that it was still really effective."

Harry stared at her. "You didn't."

"No, I jolly well didn't!" Hermione said, irritated. "Give me some credit for control over my hormones!"

"So, then what?"

"Well, that's when I went to Snape. Something Lucius said about him having a soft spot for Muggle-borns got me thinking about what you saw in Snape's Pensieve."

It didn't take Harry long to cotton on to what she was hinting at. "Eugh, Hermione! That's disgusting! My mum never would have had anything to do with Snape!"

"Certainly not after the episode you witnessed," said Hermione. "But then I went to Snape and kissed him, and he threw me out because he thought it was another tactic to get him sacked."

"You did WHAT?"

"I kissed him. And it was brilliant. But there's no way he's going to believe that I want him now when I tried so hard to get rid of him. And I'm trying to decide if I should just leave it and consider myself lucky to have got away. But then I wonder if there's a chance that he's the kind of man I want to believe he is, and therefore worth convincing of the truth."

Harry pulled his face from the pillow he'd buried it in. "You KISSED him?"

"I'd expect this kind of response from Ron," said Hermione, a bit put out.

"It's not the idea of you kissing another bloke that I don't like," said Harry. "It's the fact that he's a teacher."

"That certainly hasn't stopped Lucius Malfoy from pursuing me as a replacement for Narcissa," retorted Hermione. "Would you rather I ended up married to him and popping out little Malfoys?"

"I'd rather you didn't get married to anyone if they're your only choices! And they're not, you know. Ron'd have you in a heartbeat. So would Neville, now that I think about it. I'd certainly be in trouble if you ever set your sights on me. You're an amazing girl, Hermione, a hero. You could be with anyone you want."

"That's just it," said Hermione in a small voice. "I think I want Snape, and I need you to talk me out of it."

"Easy. He's about as good looking as a troll's bum."

"He's not bad, especially when snogging."

Harry wrinkled his nose. "Yeah, because you've got your eyes closed. How about this: he's an utter git."

"He's trainable, and it's not as if he can't be charming when he bothers. Besides, I've rather got used to the snark."

"He's old."

"If we live past a hundred, what's twenty years' difference?"

"He was a Death Eater."

"He was also a spy for the Order. And for some reason that I don't even know, you seem to think he's alright."

"He's friends with Malfoy!" said Harry triumphantly.

"Just because Snape's friends with him doesn't mean that I have to be. And besides, he's good for a laugh."

"Nobody will believe you really like him. Hell, Hermione, I'm having a hard time of it myself. It'll make all the papers, and Rita Skeeter's not around anymore to blackmail into telling your side. There'd be all sorts of speculation about you, and it'll make life hell for both of you."

"Anybody whose opinion I really care about will come around once they see I'm in earnest," she said, stubbornly. "Besides, it's not as if Snape would care what anyone else thinks. Harry, you're going to have to try a bit harder to talk me out of this."

Harry thought for a moment. "That's all I have right now. If you like, I can send Hedwig with more if I think of any. I can also ask her to peck you both if you're snogging Snape when she delivers the letter."

Hermione giggled. "That's fine. To write me with more questions if you think of them, I mean, not sending your owl to attack me. However, I wonder what made you strike 'Snape is evil' from the list of objections. Unless you just hadn't thought of it?"

"No, I just don't think it's fair to make you think something that I know isn't true."

She looked up at him. "Go on."

"Well, part of it is that the Wizengamot cleared him. Part of it has to do with the fact that McGonagall yelled at me when I insulted him. But a lot of it has to do with the fact that Snape brought you back from being a statue."

"Snape brought me back? I thought I was in St. Mungo's!"

"You were. I was in the next room, and when I was well enough, Ron and I would visit you. It was just like second year with the basilisk, except Mandrake Draught didn't work. Nothing did. Well, I was in your room one night that I was supposed to be resting up to give my story of facing Voldemort for _The Daily Prophet_ , and I heard someone unlocking your door. I knew if it was a nurse, I'd get scolded, so I jumped behind a screen, where I could watch through a crack."

"Go on."

"The door opened, and a vague sort of shape appeared. I knew it was someone Disillusioned, and I had out my wand ready to disarm whoever it was if they tried to hurt you. I nearly did when I saw it was Snape."

"Why didn't you?"

"He looked awful- skinnier than usual, bruised, scraped, and really filthy. But what stopped me was the way he looked at you. He looked so sad, Hermione. And when he pulled a bottle of potion out of his pocket, I knew he'd come to help you."

Hermione's eyes were wide, and she gestured for him to continue.

"He sort of bent over you, tapping your arm to make sure you were really stone. And then he poured the potion all over you. You sort of glowed when it was absorbed. Then, he pulled the sheet up over you, said something funny- I don't think it was a spell."

"'Hastily lead away,'" said Hermione, eyes on her lap.

Harry stared at her. "You heard him!"

"I didn't remember the voice, just the words, and barely. I'd forgotten until just now. Then I opened my eyes and you were there yelling, and everything started happening. I'm sorry for interrupting. What happened next?"

"He left," said Harry simply. "The Aurors found him on the same floor a few minutes later."

"You're saying that Snape cured me and then gave himself up for the Aurors?"

"Yeah," said Harry. "It's like he knew he had to help you before going to Azkaban."

"But why?" asked Hermione, confused.

"Because," explained Harry patiently. "It was the right thing to do. And for all that he's a nasty, greasy, horrible arse, I really think he's always been on our side."

"Then how do you reconcile his murdering Dumbledore?" asked Hermione, finally voicing the question that she'd been itching to ask.

"I don't think Dumbledore was long for this world after taking that Horcrux potion," said Harry quietly. "I think maybe Snape was doing him a favour."

"Oh, Harry!" breathed Hermione.

"You said you wanted to know what I suspected, and that's it," said Harry.

"But if that's so, then why wouldn't he be shouting his innocence from the rooftops?"

"For the same reason I haven't told anybody else about his Pensieve memory. Because some things are private, and nobody on the outside has any right to know. They were close, Snape and Dumbledore, and now that I've seen what Snape's capable of, good and bad, I think I understand why Dumbledore believed in him until the last."

To Harry's surprise, Hermione enfolded him in a fierce hug. "Thank you, Harry."

Harry blushed. "For what?"

"For trying to talk me out of it and failing miserably."

Harry's response was drowned in a loud crow. Harry and Hermione sprang apart to find the poultrygeist floating over their heads.

"Malfoy could use your attention this evening," said Hermione, giving it a wink.

"Not so fast, young lady," said the poultrygeist. "I no longer pester by simple command. I've been given a higher calling."

"Now we get to find out what your boyfriend did to it the other night," whispered Harry. Hermione elbowed him.

"What have we done to incur your wrath, oh spirit?" asked Hermione respectfully.

"You were holding each other," said the poultrygeist. "And that's exactly the sort of thing I am supposed to interfere with! Well, that and whatever happens after you hold each other for a bit."

"Where were you earlier today when Malfoy was manhandling me?" asked Hermione, stung.

"Or when she was snogging Snape?" asked Harry. Hermione elbowed him again.

The poultrygeist gave them superior looks. "I'm only one spirit," it said haughtily. "And there are an awful lot of people to protect from vice."

"Then why don't you take my advice," said Hermione. "I'm done talking to Harry here. Why don't I see you down to the dungeons? I guarantee you'll find more to offend your sensibilities in Malfoy's presence than anywhere else in the castle."

The spectre's eyes gleamed. "He does have the most salacious underthings."

o0o

The next morning, Severus found that a note had been pushed under his door. He immediately recognised his friend's script.

_Severus Old Thing-_

_As you have not been down to my room threatening to do irreparable damage to my nether regions, I can only assume that you made proper use of the gift I sent your way yesterday. Did you enjoy yourself? If so, I do hope you'll share your notes, especially if your marking quill was involved. Alas, I was less pleasantly occupied, as the feathered fiend believes it is now to safeguard the school from rampant sexuality. Fortunately, I have enough suspicious items that it will be busy cataloguing for weeks. Thus, I anticipate a goodly number of free evenings, which I intend to put to good use._

_I've extended the bride-to-be an invitation for tonight after she's finished off the Herbology teacher. That naughty girl does so enjoy her mischief. You are most welcome to join us, preferably after making a dramatic entrance in which you accuse me of horrid things before allowing us to persuade you to be silent. I've always loved that scenario, especially when you wear the cape with the silver trim. It billows so authoritatively._

_You and I always did make a marvellous team. Is it in vain that I hope you will still consider joining my wife and I after entering the bonds of matrimony? Believe me, dear friend; you haven't lived until you've cuckolded a man to his face, especially when he's there to bugger you in retribution. Shame about the girl's hair, but nobody's perfect. Well, apart from me, that is._

_Love and kisses,_

_Lucius_

Severus glared at the parchment. Here was corroboration of nearly everything Miss Granger had said, but for the motivation involved. Was Lucius using her to win their bet? Or was Miss Granger trying to play him and Lucius against one another to get rid of them both? And since when did he nearly feel sorry for Miss Granger to have to play the Game against someone as experienced in it as Lucius? Since it was entirely too early to sort out the tangle, including the reason behind the sudden stirring in his loins, Severus crumpled the note and threw it into the fire. He had Defence to prepare for.

o0o

When Severus Snape entered his Defence classroom with his wand raised, he was disappointed to find all the members of his class seated, with textbooks open at their desks. He frowned and sent a silent Impedimenta toward Hannah Abbot, who blocked it nonverbally with the wand she'd hidden in her lap.

He nodded at them before beginning his lecture on Sirens and Veela. Snape avoided looking at Hermione Granger, who, for her part, seemed content to be looking at the wall behind him with polite interest. The students answered his questions and all of them had the hang of the obscure and difficult charm that could force Veela to assume their true shapes. Neville Longbottom even had the gall to thank him for an interesting class when it was over.

He discreetly watched her walk out of his classroom without a single backward glance, her head held high. What on earth was the girl up to?

o0o


	11. Chapter Eleven

o0o

Thoughts of Hermione haunted Severus throughout the day, to the point that he chose to take his supper in his chambers rather than face the girl in public. He scolded himself that he was no better than Lucius, hiding from a schoolgirl's attempts to frighten him off. Still, it made the girl no easier to face, especially with the memory of her lips fresh in his memory. Heaven help him, she was delicious- her brain as vital and exciting as her body, and her newfound cunning and subtlety was the wrapping on an already tempting package.

He frowned, thrusting his knife viciously into a piece of cold sausage. How had Lucius known before he even knew himself? He answered his own question with a self-deprecating smirk. Because it's what Lucius did.

When the Dark Lord rose to power for the first time, Lucius entertained Death Eaters at lavish parties, full of flirtation, intrigue, and often heady mixes of power and sex that were like opium to impoverished, awkward Severus Snape. Lucius took him under his wing, subtly schooling Severus in the ways of the rich and unapologetic. Severus was never certain if Lucius catered to his desires or created them through subtle manipulation, and he marvelled at the man's skill.

However, the Dark Lord's resurrected body did not allow him to participate in such frivolities and ordered them to stop, which is why, Severus privately suspected, Lucius began deliberately undermining the Dark Lord. The most egregious example of this was his bungled attempt at stealing the prophecy and preventing his fellows from doing any permanent damage to the children in the Department of Mysteries. Yes, Lucius was either the luckiest fellow in the world or one of the most subtle and cunning, and Severus did not believe in luck.

He chewed thoughtfully on a roll. Lucius had deliberately planted the suggestion that Hermione Granger was now an adult. He'd also aroused Severus's covetous tendencies by proclaiming his own desire for her. He'd basically driven the girl into his arms. The question was, for what purpose?

A knock at the door pulled him from his reverie. He Vanished his half-eaten meal.

"What is it?"

To his surprise, Harry Potter entered his chambers and sat down across from him without being invited.

"I need to talk to you about Hermione," said Potter.

With a growl, Severus was on his feet, arm pointed at Potter's head. Potter had the good sense to duck, but calmed when Snape growled, "Hold still, damn you."

Snape cast a spell, and Harry was bathed in blue light. Not under the Imperius Curse, then. He lowered his wand and sat at his desk.

"All right, Potter. Speak your piece, then get out."

"I just wanted you to know that I tried to talk Hermione out of fancying you, but it didn't work."

Severus scowled at him. "What?"

"That's what you needed to hear, right? That she fancies you and isn't trying to get rid of you. At least not yet."

"And why in the name of all that's magical should I believe you?"

"Because you're a Legilimens and I'm absolute pants at lying. Well, if that's all, I've got essays to write. Good night, sir!"

No sooner had Potter left than the door opened to admit Lucius.

"Pardon my intrusion, Severus, but I have urgent need of your opinion."

"Let me guess- something to do with Miss Granger."

"Of course! What do you think I'm planning to do tonight, grade Charms essays? Now, which do you think she'd prefer, the red sheer pants or the black lace ones with the embroidered skulls?" He held up the undergarments side by side.

"You always overestimated the degree to which red looks well on you," said Severus. "Which raises the question, are you attempting to seduce Miss Granger or myself?"

"Oh!" exclaimed Lucius innocently. "I'd completely forgotten that you liked the black ones. Dashed silly of me. Do you think she'd appreciate the accessories, or would that be too much for a first encounter?"

"Show up nude, for all I care!" exclaimed Severus.

"I suppose too much frippery might make her wondering what I'm hiding," agreed Lucius amicably.

"For the love of three oranges, why are you here, Lucius? Shouldn't you be in your dungeon awaiting the arrival of your strumpet?"

"Didn't I tell you?" asked Lucius, too casually. "That puritanical poultrygeist is still cataloguing my wardrobe and sundry implements, so we're going to have to use your room."

"WHAT?"

"I already told you you're invited," said Lucius. "There's hardly an appreciable difference between being invited and hosting."

"I haven't ample space."

"Nonsense! Just look at that four-poster bed! A few small changes, and it will be perfect." Lucius flicked his wand around the room, draping the walls in fabric, conjuring floating candles and several thick velvet bands, which he tucked under the pillow.

"You misunderstand me, Lucius. I haven't the space for your larks because I won't be participating. Go find a public corridor. You'll enjoy that."

"Now, Severus, there's no need to let jealousy get in the way of fun for all of us."

"I think the only one who would not regret such an encounter is Miss Granger. You're a fool if you think she'll show up without an ironclad plan to get rid of both of us. I will not sit placidly by as she destroys what little reputation we have left."

"If she manages to get me sacked for this, it'll be well worth the ten Galleons," declared Lucius. "Now cease your pseudo-Machiavellian prudery and get dressed. I brought the boots."

Severus crossed his arms. "No. Styles and people change, you know."

"Don't tell me you've got on the straight and narrow!" cried Lucius, scandalised. "Severus, how could you?"

"It has nothing to do with sexual orientation," explained Severus. "It has to do with the girl."

Lucius paused in his primping to smirk at his friend. "I was right, then."

"All right, you were right!" Severus barked. "She's an intolerable vixen and I want her all to myself! I will not share her with you, Lucius. Now, remove yourself from this room before I become angry."

"Now, Severus," chided Lucius, kneeling at Severus's feet and unlacing his work boots, "you know I never look at things in terms of black and white, of yours and mine. If you must indulge in such simple-mindedness, think of it rather that I must share you with her."

"Lucius," he said in a warning tone, as Lucius removed his socks and stuck his fingers between Severus's toes, massaging the skin between them.

"I brought silks," Lucius whispered, massaging the tight arches of Severus's feet with his thumbs. "Won't you put them on? The boots really won't work without them."

Severus's eyes were drifting shut. "The Daily Prophet was right for once. You are an evil man."

Lucius's clever hands were kneading the muscles in his calves. "And the suspender belt?"

Severus sat bolt upright. "I won't have Miss Granger thinking I'm some kind of cross-dresser!"

"Rather, she'll think you some sort of caveman if she heard you now. Really, Severus, if Miss Granger had any hang-ups of that sort, she never would have agreed to come this evening. Now, I brought one without lace if you're truly concerned. See? Leather. Very butch."

Severus made a face. "It's lambskin," he complained. "That's about as butch as a Celestina Warbeck audience."

Lucius nipped the back of Severus's calf, making him jump. "As charming as I find your whining, she will be here any moment. Get dressed and do something with your hair."

"I'll get you for this," grumbled Severus, grabbing the proffered garments from Lucius.

"Promises, promises," said Lucius with a wink.

Lucius settled himself at Severus's desk and propped his feet up on it, wool trousers draped impeccably and black hosiery clearly visible above his patent leather shoes. He released his hair from its ribbon and shook it until it tumbled about his shoulders in what he felt was a suitably attractive way, flowing over the sable accents of his cloak.

"I don't know why I'm submitting to this," grumbled Severus, emerging from the toilet. Lucius gaped.

Severus was dressed in a black silk cassock fastened from Mandarin collar to foot with tiny buttons. The cut emphasised his slender physique, and the high-heeled boots made his legs appear longer than Lucius thought possible. And if that weren't enough, he'd worn the billowing cloak with the silver trim. He'd even combed his hair back from his face and tied it with a ribbon, exposing the harsh angles of his face and his glittering eyes.

"If there weren't a third party in transit," said Lucius in a hoarse voice, "I'd ravish you right now."

"Oh, don't let that stop you," came a third voice. "I'd rather hoped for something of the sort."

Severus steadied himself on a bookshelf.

Hermione Granger stood in the doorway in a short black skirt and a cream-coloured cashmere jumper that Severus longed to touch. She, too, wore footwear that was far taller than anything he was used to; the heels were at least three inches high and her boots came up to her knees. She'd put something in her hair to make it fall into ringlets that framed her face, and though her pose against the doorway was confident, her smile definitely was not.

"Close the door, Miss Granger," ordered Severus as authoritatively as his weak knees would allow.

"Yes, do come in," said Lucius in plummy tones. "Won't you have a seat?"

Hermione's gait revealed no nervousness, though it did showcase surprisingly pert bust, which was thrust forward by the precipitous heels.

"Come now, Lucius," she said. "Surely you had more elaborate plans than having me sit in the pupil's seat."

"I beg your pardon, Hermione," said Lucius, twirling the head of his cane. "I understood you to mean that you would like to see me have fun with Severus, and the pupil's seat, as you put it, is the best seat in the house."

"I don't mean to be demanding," said Hermione, sounding a bit uncertain. "I admit to being a bit out of my element here."

Lucius removed his feet from the desk and stood. "Really, my dear, there's no need to be coy here. You're among friends."

"Ah yes, a friend of the devil is a friend of mine," quoted Severus sliding on to the section of the desk that Lucius's feet had vacated. "Surely there's something you want, Miss Granger. Otherwise, you wouldn't be here."

Hermione raised her hand and placed it gently on Severus's silk-clad thigh. She looked into his eyes.

"I knew you were clever, and I knew you were powerful. But I never knew you were beautiful, sir.'

Lucius sidled up next to her. "It's a part of him that few are privileged to see. And speaking of Severus's parts, would you prefer to start on his upper half or his lower half?"

"Upper, for the time being," she said, obviously with more confidence than she felt. Yet the set of her jaw was determined as she leaned over and kissed him. It was warm and soft, a little tentative, and it made him want more. As Hermione gently explored his mouth, Severus was vaguely aware of Lucius unbuttoning the cassock up to his thighs and running his tongue over the sensitive area behind his knee. He snaked a finger under the strap of Severus's suspender belt and snapped it against his thigh with a loud thwack.

Both turned to look at Lucius. "Switch?" he asked with a wicked smile.

Severus sighed impatiently. "If you must."

Lucius claimed his mouth with all the power and finesse that Severus had come to expect, the delicate maxillary byplay and soft brushings of tongues. It was lovely, but he was acutely aware that Miss Granger had hiked his cassock up to his waist and was delicately inhaling along the strap of his suspender belt and into his pubis. His hips twitched, as did his penis, and he pulled away from Lucius for a moment.

"Miss Granger! What do you think you're doing?"

"I'm smelling you, what do you think I'm doing? It's lovely."

"Do shut up, Severus, you're interrupting my snogging."

"You trouble, Lucius, is that you never learned to improv-aah!"

"I say, Hermione, that's not Quidditch! You can't just dive straight after the Snitch!"

"But it kept pulling towards me," she protested. "It was an act of mercy."

"So my member is to be an object of pity?"

"Shut up, Severus," came the unison reply.

"Well," said Hermione, "if you'd care to switch again, I'd love to see how long you can last without going straight for it."

"It's not a matter of who scores first," said Lucius primly. "It's a matter of tallying the points at the end of the game. And, my dear girl, you have a great deal to learn about Quidditch."

"Pooh," said Hermione, sending a maddening puff of air along the shaft of Severus's penis, "we shall see whose skill with a broom reigns supreme. I must warn you that Muggles use brooms very differently than Wizards do."

Lucius smiled. "I'm becoming more fond of Muggles every day." He took her hand and wrapped her fingers around the shaft of Severus's cock and encouraged her to squeeze gently, then slid his fingertips underneath Severus's scrotum, massaging him delicately.

Severus was finding it more and more difficult to snark coherently. "Granger… skirt… now."

"I believe Severus wishes to see more of you," whispered Lucius.

"Would you be so kind as to assist me?" asked Hermione. "Hook-and-eye closures give me such trouble."

"It would be my pleasure, darling," said Lucius, skimming the tip of his nose along Hermione's neck. He ran his hands along her waist and located the hook at the top of her skirt. Having unfastened it, he ran the zipper slowly down her hip, which allowed her skirt to fall to her ankles.

Severus gasped. "You… knickers…"

"Ten points to Slytherin- I'm not wearing any," replied Hermione, renewing her strokes and adding a quick dart of tongue against his glans. She smiled up at him. "If you object to the brazenness, by all means, leave me to Lucius."

"NO!" shouted Severus, shooting upright. He seized her around the waist, revelling in the soft wool encasing her warm body. "Mine."

Lucius disappeared behind Hermione and did something with his tongue that made her gasp. "For tonight, you belong to both of us. As do you," he said, ducking below to access Severus's tender anatomy. "Tonight, we all belong to each other, and don't either of you forget it."

"How could I?" asked Hermione in a surprisingly normal voice. "I believe you two have some snogging to do. Don't mind me, I won't be twiddling with myself watching. Really."

"Insolent girl," said Severus. "Five points from…"

He never finished his sentence, because Lucius chose that moment to nibble gently at his jugular vein, and his voice left him. Severus noticed Hermione's hungry look, and he slid her onto his lap and began to kiss her neck. She gasped, but soon found part of Lucius to keep her mouth occupied. When Severus applied particularly strong suction with his mouth, he noticed that that Miss Granger would gasp and nibble Lucius's neck, which then encouraged similar action by Lucius.

Curious, he sucked hard on Hermione's neck; she did the same to Lucius, and Lucius nipped Severus's. When he nibbled her ear, she exhaled hot breath into Lucius's, whose moans went straight to Severus's groin. If they had achieved such a pleasant give and take so early in their association, the thought of what the evening would hold made Severus's cock jump. It was a most satisfying cycle, until his aching member decided that something more serious was needed.

Severus cupped Hermione's bare bottom and began to slide her pelvis up his legs and closer to his groin, where the cassock barely covered his genitals. Lucius, however, noticed what was happening and climbed up on the desk, laying his head between their hips.

"I hope you won't mind if I cut in," he said, rubbing his cheekbone against Severus's erection. "All games tonight ought to be for three. With an apologetic kiss atop Severus's penis, Lucius stuck his tongue into the cleft of Hermione's pudenda.

Hermione gave a small shout and twitched.

"Harder?"

"N-no," she said. "I think harder would make me pass out. That was just about right."

"If you're quite finished assessing Miss Granger's sensitivity, you might consider how little your current position affords me," said Snape.

"I'm sorry, Severus, I was momentarily distracted." He encouraged Severus to lie back on his elbows. "Miss Granger, I would be much obliged if you would position your hips over Severus's lovely cock so that I may pay attention to you both? That's it. Now Severus, no jumping the gun and insinuating yourself out of that lovely robe of yours. We must build to that."

"Don't teach your grandmother to knit."

"My grandmother never knitted!" exclaimed Lucius. "She embroidered!"

"Lucius, stop needling Professor Snape and put your tongue to better use," ordered Hermione, rocking her pelvis against Severus's silk-clad erection.

Lucius undid two buttons and swirled his tongue in Severus's belly button in reply, and Severus groaned, partly from Lucius's tickling and partially from Miss Granger's squirming. The squirm turned into a proper grind when Lucius forsook his navel for Miss Granger's clitoris.

She uttered an inarticulate cry and began rubbing her breasts through her jumper.

"Ah, yes, that reminds me," said Lucius, coming up for air with a smile. "As lovely as this garment is, you are overdressed."

"As are both of you," she countered, standing reluctantly. "And Severus has all those buttons."

"So anxious! Very well, my dear. I don't care whose clothing you remove, provided you do it quickly."

"It's only fair that one of you be forced to part with one of your garments, seeing as I've already donated my skirt to the discarded garments pile."

"Whatever will she choose?" asked Severus sarcastically, already pulling the cassock over his head.

"Actually, I was going to make Lucius take off his shirt, but by all means go ahead. That way we're all on nearly the same page."

"Shame on you, Severus, giving her a free one like that," said Lucius, who knelt on the desk, removed the knot from his cravat with experienced fingers, and unfastened his buttons. "You've gone soft."

"Not from my perspective," said Hermione, transfixed.

Her gaze travelled from the toes of Severus's mirror-shined black leather boots, up the silk-clad legs, and finally settling on the black leather suspender belt, which sat low on his hips. Beneath the delicate arch of the belt, Severus's erection jutted proudly. Hermione extended a hand stroke its length- the tip was as soft as rose petals.

Lucius slid up behind Severus and kissed his neck, eliciting a soft moan. Hermione stared as Severus arched back into Lucius's arms and ran his hand along Lucius's jaw line. Hermione pressed herself against Severus, hands running uncontrollably over every inch of exposed skin. She sent one hand around Severus's waist, running gently up his warm flank, and her other hand was doing the same to Lucius, whose skin was every bit as warm and smooth as Severus's.

Severus's other hand, meanwhile, was buried fingers deep in the hair at the base of Hermione's skull, kneading the scalp and pulling her head close to his chest. She soon found her mouth gently tugging at his nipples with her teeth and pressing open mouthed kisses over his pectoral muscles.

Suddenly, a loud whooshing sound came from above, and Hermione was horrified to see the poultrygeist hovering in the air over them.

o0o


	12. Chapter Twelve

o0o

The three of them sprang apart, but the poultrygeist didn't seem to have noticed them. It was rifling through a wooden box.

"I'm sorry to disturb you, Professor," said the poultrygeist, "but I'm taking inventory of naughty items, but I'm a bit out of my league."

"I'm really rather busy at the moment," said Severus through clenched teeth. "And as you can see, I have company."

The poultrygeist seemed not to have heard them. "Now I've seen novelty playing cards, prophylactic devices, and lacy lingerie, but what on earth is this?" It held up a glass cylinder with a crude pump attached.

Lucius blanched. "No idea. And it's definitely not mine."

"And these!" exclaimed the spectre, holding up a string of large beads. "I thought it was a necklace that had been put with the rude things by mistake, but there's no clasp!"

Severus cleared his throat. "I thought you said you'd lost those," he said to Lucius sotto voce.

"Must have slipped my mind."

"And this is no ordinary rubber ducky," said the poultrygeist. "But I can't for the unlife of me figure out exactly what it does. Oh!" it exclaimed, noticing Hermione and Lucius for the first time. It narrowed its eyes. "Wait just a moment. What's going on in here?"

"Revision," said Hermione, crossing her legs primly.

"Then where is your skirt? Your knickers?"

"I took them off because it's frightfully hot in here."

"Oh yes," agreed Lucius. "Your semi-corporeal form may not be able to sense it, but it's positively boiling in here. That's why I took my shirt off and Severus here removed his robe."

"That may be," said the poultrygeist, not at all mollified, "but it doesn't explain why he's wearing a suspender belt!"

"Suspender belt?" exclaimed Snape. "Do you mean my hernia truss?"

"It's holding up a pair of hose," said the poultrygeist suspiciously.

"No, those are support hose," said Hermione. "They're holding up the truss."

The poultrygeist looked at them all in turn. "It looks to me like you're engaging in hanky-panky!"

"A scandalous suggestion!" exclaimed Lucius. "Miss Granger here came to us with a desire to be tutored. We're simply fulfilling that request to the best of our ability and experience."

"As teachers at this school, we take our students' education very seriously," added Severus, looking grave.

"I don't know," exclaimed the spectre, wringing its wings. "It does look awfully bad. And I have so much to do! You've no idea what trouble the students in this school get into!"

"I'll tell you what," said Hermione. "You're a busy spirit, and this castle is full of students bent on hanky-panky of all sorts. Why don't we take that box and catalogue its contents for you? That way you can get back to your rounds."

The poultrygeist's eyes lit up. "You mean it?"

"I think you'll find Lucius in particular is quite knowledgeable of all things naughty, and Miss Granger is nothing if not creative."

The spectre laid the box on Severus's desk. "There are an awful lot of implements in that box. Is tomorrow afternoon enough time to get through them?

Lucius gave the spectre a charming smile. "Just leave everything to us."

The poultrygeist flushed silver. "I can't thank you enough! I thought I saw Potter sneaking off somewhere with a girl. I can hardly wait!"

It zipped off in a flurry of silvery feathers.

Lucius seized Hermione and kissed her passionately. "You, my dear, are too clever by half."

"And you, sir, have quite a lot to teach me, judging by the contents of that box," she said breathlessly.

"I say, Lucius," said Severus, who had been lining up various items upon the desk, "where on earth did you manage to find a Mage-O-Stim? I thought they didn't make them anymore for liability reasons."

"It's been in the family for years. And that reminds me, Miss Granger, you don't happen to have any delicious piercings, do you?"

"Only my ears," she said, sounding slightly disappointed.

"Never fear, it works on bare skin, as well," said Lucius.

"Aren't you worried that the glass will break?" asked Hermione, looking dubiously at what was obviously meant to probe one opening or another.

"Unbreakable Charm. All the glassware is charmed, otherwise, I'd be terrified to store it all in one box."

"Do things like this work as well as I've heard it told?" said Severus, holding aloft a blown glass object that resembled nothing so much as a two-ended comma.

"It's my favourite on nights that I am left to entertain myself," said Lucius. "Though the pink bunny is a close second."

"What do you do with the pink bunny?" asked Hermione, eyes wide.

"The same thing that I do with the rubber ducky, except I'm not in the bathtub."

"Are all of these for- er- individual use?" asked Hermione.

"Generally," said Lucius, "but they may be used among friends as well. Alas, it seems the dratted creature couldn't have the decency to bring us the larger items that have more, shall we say, wide-reaching applications? No matter. I think we've plenty to keep ourselves entertained."

"Judging by the look on Miss Granger's face, I hardly think we have to use any of them. They seem to have done their work by suggestion."

"All this has made me quite warm," agreed Hermione. Acutely aware of the men's gazes, she slowly removed her jumper and laid it gently on the desk. "Much better," she said, running her fingers under the straps of her brassiere, which must have been designed by a master architect for the way it lifted and emphasised her bosom.

Severus's hands were on her breasts immediately, cupping her breasts and the brassiere.

"Lovely," he murmured, thumbs running in circles over the embroidery and the nipples concealed beneath. He laid a lingering kiss upon each, then trailed his tongue down the furrow between Hermione's breast and up again, all the way to her chin.

He was poised to kiss her lips again, when something warm and impossibly soft began rubbing her buttocks. She gasped in surprise when she felt her skin tingling in its wake.

Lucius had borrowed Miss Granger's discarded sweater and wrapped one of the Mage-O-Stim attachments with it.

"What is that?" she exclaimed as Lucius seized the opportunity to rub it gently between her legs.

"The Mage-O-Stim consists of blown glass attachments containing a gaseous magical matrix which, when a wand is attached, becomes highly excited," explained Severus, who looked slightly put out at having been interrupted. "Not to mention somewhat unstable."

Lucius was trailing the Mage-O-Stim up Hermione's arm. "Fortunately, the danger of exploding glass is minimised when one is skilled in Charms," said Lucius smugly. "And you seem to know a lot about them, Severus."

"Shortly after I left Hogwarts, I had an internship at St. Mungo's, where we explored the possibility of using them to help victims of nerve damage," said Severus, crossing his arms.

"That's about as sexy as a paper hat," said Lucius dismissively.

"I don't know. Paper hats, when worn in the right places, can be quite a sight," said Hermione, lightly, sensing Severus's frown.

"Not everybody is interested in only salacious stories and frivolity," Severus couldn't resist adding.

"But we are here for a _ménage a trois_ ," pointed out Hermione, "which is by definition salacious and frivolous."

"Then perhaps I should let you proceed without me," sneered Severus.

Lucius slid the Mage-O-Stim down the top of Hermione's brassiere. When he reached the bottom of her brassiere, she yelped suddenly.

"So much for accurately judging Miss Granger's sensitivity," grumbled Severus.

"Metal underwire," explained Hermione.

Lucius shot Severus a dirty look. "At least I am making an attempt to entertain my guest," he said. With an apologetic glance at Hermione, Lucius twisted his wand quickly to make the Mage-O-Stim buzz loudly, and he thrust it crudely between Severus's legs, right against his scrotum.

Hermione's eyebrows were in danger of meeting her hairline, so surprised was she by Severus's yell.

"Now, Severus, are you going to behave, or are you going to make me put away this lovely device?"

"Sod off, Lucius!" Severus managed to squeeze the insult out through clenched teeth, and he yanked the Mage-O-Stim attachment off Lucius's wand.

"Oh dear. Miss Granger, it seems that Severus is in a snit. Is there anything you can do about that?"

Hermione considered. "I could gag you."

Severus snorted in spite of himself.

"It's not a bad idea, Hermione," said Lucius. "And it seems I've given offence. The least I can do is attempt to make amends." He licked his lips and leaned toward Severus's groin, but a soft hand on his arm made him pause.

"No, Lucius. Let me." Hermione lowered her head over Severus's stomach and was about to kiss her way down to his penis, when his hand lifted her chin to meet his eyes.

"Hermione," said Severus. "Why are you here? You don't need to prove anything to me, and you certainly aren't beholden to Lucius in any way."

She raised an eyebrow at him. "I'm not trying to prove anything," she said, matching his tone. "If anything, you ought to be trying to prove something to me."

He frowned. Lucius, who was helping himself to Severus's single-malt let out a soft snort.

"What are you talking about, you silly girl?" snapped Severus. "Surely you're not seriously considering Lucius's offer?"

"Of course not!" exclaimed Hermione. "And if I were, I'm certain Lucius wouldn't have me for being stupid. Marriage to me is not his real aim, obviously. I, however, am not about to pass up the opportunity to make love to not only one, but two experienced, intelligent, and powerful men, especially if the one I consider for long-term prospects is possessive enough to deny me the opportunity to explore later on."

"And what if I refused to be part of your semi-adolescent sexual exploration?"

"Then you'd show yourself to be the sort of small-minded petty tyrant that I'd be well shot of," said Hermione. "Should you ever make any kind of offer of exclusivity, I would be happy to accept. But until then, you're going to have to play by my rules."

"So if I do not consent to this tawdry drama, I will never have the opportunity to court you. So, the Gryffindor lioness has claws and is using them to blackmail her nasty teacher to have sex with her," Severus said nastily.

"It's not blackmail. It's incentive," said Hermione, hiding a smile. "If you'd put your stubborn pride aside, you'd see that it's a win-win situation for all."

"Pray tell, how in your perfect paradigm do I win in this?"

"Isn't it obvious, Severus?" piped up Lucius, who was watching their exchange with an insufferable smirk on his face. "You'd get me for the night. You'd get the girl until she comes to her senses. You'd get the night you may claim not to want, but your unflagging little man tells me a different story. I say, Hermione, have you noticed the state he's in?"

"It's rather difficult to miss."

"Let us leave my involuntary reflexes out of the conversation," ordered Severus.

"But my dear Severus, your involuntary reflexes are germane to the point Miss Granger is trying to make!"

"Which is?"

"You're aching for this, Severus," said Lucius, running his hands lightly over Hermione's shoulders. "And other parts of you are aching for this," he said, gesturing at his tented trousers, "or this," he said, rubbing one hand against his right buttock. "All is being freely and enthusiastically offered to you. Don't look too closely at a gift unicorn's horn."

"Miss Granger, I've been meaning to ask you how you would go about removing a bothersome person who thinks he knows me better than I know myself."

"I suppose there's nothing for it," said Hermione, drawing the wand she had stashed in her boot. She made a quick slashing motion with her wand, and Severus was thrown onto his bed. As if he had somehow anticipated her move, Lucius made a circle with the tip of his wand and lashed Severus securely to the bedposts with the velvet bands he had stashed under the pillow.

"Lucius, you thrice-damned son of a troll!" yelled Severus, pulling hard at his bonds. "Release me at once!"

Lucius ignored him. "Hermione, my dear, since Severus seems to have been detained, would you care to join me in the armchair?"

Hermione caught Severus's eye. "Do I have any other offers?"

Severus glared at her.

"Very well, Lucius, I'll join you."

"Marvellous," he replied, removing his belt and unzipping his trousers. "Bring whatever you like from the box."

Hermione rifled through the box and the items that Severus had laid out on the desk. This one was too large. That one was obviously meant for solo male pleasure. Another had a slightly creepy smiley face on the end. Finally, she found what she was looking for.

She hid it behind her back and sauntered over to Lucius, who was now clad only in a pair of elaborate briefs of black lace. He smiled up at her as she approached.

"What have you there?"

"Close your eyes and try to guess."

He obliged with a smile.

She smiled as Severus pointedly tried not to look at her when she pulled Lucius's cane from behind her back.

Ever so gently, she brushed the cold silver handle against the tip of Lucius's nipple.

"Oh!" he gasped. "It's not the nipple clamps, is it?"

"Sorry," said Hermione with a grin.

She warmed the handle in her hands for a moment, and used the silver snake fangs to scrape up the surface of Lucius's scrotum.

"Oh, you naughty girl!" he exclaimed. "It's that old spur of mine, isn't it?"

"Guess again, Lucius!" She pressed the ebony shaft across his thigh and rolled it back and forth, massaging the muscle.

Lucius sighed. "It's wonderful, but I've no idea what you're using."

She held the head of the cane between her breasts. "Then open your eyes."

He obliged, and blinked in surprise. "You didn't use any of the implements?"

"I really haven't any idea how to use them," she said. "And really, I'd just as soon enjoy your company this evening without the added stress of having to learn to use a new device."

"You didn't know how to use any of them?" he asked, incredulous.

"I never had one that someone else charmed before," she said, blushing.

"Am I to conclude that you made frequent use of the Centrifuge Charm on everyday objects, then?" he said with a knowing smile.

"Call it a scientific inquiry into women's health and well-being."

"An image I will have to live with for the rest of my life," complained Severus, breaking his sullen silence at last.

Hermione ignored Severus. "Besides, I always found that a creative new lover was far preferable to toys, no matter how effectively they were charmed."

Lucius laughed heartily. "Then my dearest Hermione, we shall save the implements for another night. In the meantime, kiss me, dear girl. I'll be happy to provide additional evidence."

o0o


	13. Chapter Thirteen

o0o

Hermione let the cane fall to the ground and kissed Lucius. Kissing Lucius, she reflected, was very different from kissing Severus. Severus's kisses had been hard as iron and so hot she feared she would go up in flames. Kissing Lucius was like being caught in a riptide, feeling an inexorable pull into deeper waters.

Somehow, she had ended up straddling him, knees sinking into the soft cushion of the seat, her mouth still firmly attached to Lucius's. For his part, his fingers were dancing over her skin, rubbing and tweaking anything they encountered. Every caress of hand or tongue coiled her more tightly, and soon Hermione was moaning softly into Lucius's mouth, rubbing up against his hard cock, which strained against the lace of his briefs.

Without even stopping to warn her, Lucius pulled out the wand that was still in her boot, cleared the toys and box from Severus's desk, and cast a Cushioning Charm on it. With a smirk, he scooped her up in his arms and carried her to the desk, where he set her down.

Whatever Lucius was, unqualified to teach Charms he wasn't. It felt as if an invisible mattress and featherbed had been laid atop the desk. Lucius met her eye and stuck two fingers into his waistband, lowering it slightly. She was surprised to see the edge of a tattoo on the front of his hip, barely obscured by the lacy material.

"What say you, Hermione: tit for tat?" he asked, eyeing her bust hungrily.

"By all means," she said, swallowing hard.

"Allow me," said Lucius, reaching between her breasts and unfastening the clasp with a snap of his fingers.

The brassiere popped open, releasing Hermione's breasts into Lucius's waiting hands. He held them gently for a moment before he began running his thumbs over her nipples, which were already rosy and pointed from their previous activities.

Hermione's eyes fell shut as he kissed her breasts reverently, feeling the centre of heat where his tongue brushed her aureole. He continued his gentle ministrations, gently squeezing and caressing her breasts, until Hermione was ready for more vigorous activity.

"Lucius," she said breathlessly. "Aren't I supposed to get tat for tit?"

"So I did," he said softly. "However, I'm afraid you may end up with substantially more than tat."

"I suppose I'll have to owe you," she said with a grin.

They both ignored a loud snort from the bed.

"Allow me," said Hermione, hooking her thumbs through the waistband and releasing Lucius's erection gently. She slid the lacy briefs down his legs until they fell to the floor.

Lucius's cock was perhaps a bit shorter than Severus's and stockier, but the same could be said for the man himself. Where Severus was slender and concave, Lucius swelled with muscle. Where Severus was pale and dark, Lucius was golden. Hermione ran her hand along Lucius's muscular torso and ran her hand between his legs, cupping his scrotum as gently as he had Severus's. His penis twitched, and Lucius leaned forward into her grasp. She rubbed the sensitive skin behind his scrotum with two fingers and massaged the base of his penis with her other hand.

She was so fascinated by the lovely sounds he was emitting that she nearly jumped when she felt his fingers between her legs. She immediately relaxed into his touch, spreading her legs slightly to allow him access to the sensitive areas. He did not disappoint, showing his hands to be at least as talented as his mouth as he worked his fingers slowly but insistently into her moistness.

Once inside, Lucius's fingers began fluttering. She couldn't say how, exactly, but her insides were growing progressively hotter and wetter. Her breathing was becoming more and more erratic, and she was no longer able to coordinate her hands.

"That's it," murmured Lucius. "Lie back now."

She did as he bade and was surprised when he withdrew his fingers, parted her legs further and began licking her.

A large shudder ran through her, and her insides tensed. "Lucius," she hissed, "what are you doing?"

"I should think that obvious," he drawled between great sweeps of his tongue.

"It's wonderful," she said, squirming against the Cushioning Charm. "Please don't stop."

"But if I didn't stop at some point, my dear, I couldn't do this," said Lucius, after which he inserted his tongue as far into Hermione as he could reach. Her startled gasp turned into a throaty chuckle; his nose tickled her in the loveliest way. When he withdrew and inhaled, Hermione moaned, but he soon thrust his tongue into her again. Then again, this time swirling his tongue around her clitoris between thrusts. Hermione's eyes fell shut, and her hips began to meet his rhythm. She was vaguely aware that she was chanting his name like a mantra, feeling her conscious mind slip away into a meditation of hot flesh and the need for friction.

Sensing her state, Lucius gently cupped her jaw in his hand. "Hermione, my dearest," he said, voice hoarse. "I want to make love to you now.'

She opened her eyes. "Oh, please!" she begged. "Please, now!"

"So eager," he commented. "I take it you are enjoying yourself."

She propped herself on her elbows. "Lucius, if your cock is not inside me in twenty seconds, I am locking myself in the toilet with all of your toys!"

"As the lady wishes," he said, smirking. Lucius laid her back on the desk until her feet were no longer hanging off the end and applied his tongue to the inside of her ankle. He licked a long line up to her centre, over which he ran his tongue at a leisurely pace. As she gasped from the contact, he suddenly shifted and slid himself inside her.

Her mouth opened in a silent O, fingers digging into his hips.

Lucius seized the opportunity and kissed her hard, starting gentle thrusts with his hips, which quickly increased in frequency and amplitude.

She returned his kiss, revelling in the lingering musk on his lips and tilting her hips to meet his. Before she thought it possible, she felt her muscles begin to clench, her nerves firing more signals to her brain than it could handle. Her breath began to come in short gasps, and then it came. Stars exploded behind her eyelids as seemingly every muscle in her pelvic region contracted, sending great waves of pleasure radiating outwards from where she and Lucius were joined. She was nearly borne away on the sensation and only just remembered to breathe.

Her eyes flew open, and she gulped in air in huge lungfuls, heart hammering. She belatedly realised that Lucius was watching her with a soft smile on his face.

"I'm sorry," she said, colouring slightly. "I didn't mean to go off without you."

Lucius kissed her. "You were perfect, Hermione. Like a lioness."

"You don't mind?"

"My erect cock is inside a beautiful, sensual witch whose sudden climax has made her insides even wetter and more sensitive. What exactly ought I object to?"

Hermione laughed. "Well, then, I suppose this means I can pay more attention to you."

"Naturally," smirked Lucius. "Why else would I have worked so hard to ensure an early and intense orgasm for you?"

Hermione laughed, and tightened her muscles around Lucius. "It wasn't just a desire to take me with my boots on?"

"No Slytherin ever has just one motive," he said, managing a grin between groans.

In her post-orgasmic haze, Hermione was acutely aware of Lucius's movements inside her, and she was pleased to feel his penis grow harder with each thrust. She dragged her fingernails lightly from his buttocks up to his shoulder blades, and he shivered.

"Do that again, little lioness," he ordered, arching into his thrusts.

She leaned up and licked his throat, now deliciously salty with perspiration, and ran her nails up his back again, this time a bit harder.

His thrusts were coming more erratically. It wouldn't be long now.

"So good," he said hoarsely. "So perfect. Oh, Hermione, you wicked minx, just like that. Darling, I'm so close! I-"

SMACK!

"AAAAAH!"

Hermione's eyes flew open to find the furious Potions master standing over Lucius. Lucius had stiffened in surprise and twisted his neck around to face Severus, who was twirling one of the velvet restraints that had bound him on the end of a riding crop.

"What a pleasant surprise!" exclaimed Lucius. "Severus, you clever thing, you remembered our old safe word. I had to keep it on those velvet bindings for old time's sake. And your timing couldn't be better. You're just in time to join me for my first climax of the evening. Gracious, you're certainly still up for it. There's a jar of lubricant in the box. Now that you've marked my arse so nicely, you might as well put it to good use."

"Lucius, if you spill so much as a drop of your seed inside Miss Granger, I will dose you with Everlasting Limpness Libation."

Hermione peered over Lucius's shoulder; she could see the bright red mark left by the riding crop.

"Come now, Severus," said Lucius, wiggling his arse at Severus. "The game is much friendlier with three."

"You will withdraw instantly!" ordered Severus. "And you can stop giving me that look right now, Miss Granger. You're in enough trouble as it is."

Lucius frowned but did as Severus bade. As if by unspoken accord, they stood in front of Severus, who paced in front of them, still wearing nothing but his suspender belt, hose, and boots. As Lucius had observed, Severus's erection was still bobbing proudly with every step.

"So," said Severus, "you thought you could get rid of me and play your sick little games on my desk, did you?"

"Actually, Severus, given your penchant for voyeurism, we thought you might enjoy it," corrected Lucius.

"Silence!" ordered Severs, smacking Lucius's hip with his riding crop. "Miss Granger, do you know the penalty for inappropriate relations with a teacher is in this school?"

"Detention followed by a demonstration of alternate uses for stirring rods?" 

Severus stuck the leather end of the riding crop under her chin and lifted it until she was looking him in the eye.

"Immediate expulsion," he said with a smirk. "What an unexpected pleasure it is to rid the school of its most infamous student and win ten Galleons from Lucius in one fell swoop."

Hermione's heart fell into the pit of her stomach. Had Severus's interest earlier been an act? Had getting rid of her been his goal all along? If Lucius was nervous, he certainly wasn't letting on.

"Come now, Severus, surely you can think of a more suitable punishment for a young lady anxious to make her way in the world."

Severus walked around Hermione, inspecting her from head to booted foot. He rubbed the business end of the riding crop on her buttocks and gave her a brisk smack, ignoring her gasp of surprise.

"I suppose corporal punishment might be an option," he said dubiously, "depending on Miss Granger's tolerance and endurance."

Hermione frowned slightly. The riding crop had made an excellent sound and given her a bit of a start, but it hadn't hurt a bit. Her mind was whirling. He was using his own riding crop, she deduced, not having seen it in Lucius's box. Thus, he had to be aware that it was causing no pain. And he was obviously still aroused. She fought to repress a sudden grin. He was joining them at last!

"You've been awfully quiet, Miss Granger," said Severus. "Have you no impassioned speech for why you should not be punished."

She hung her head. "No, Professor, I have no excuse for my actions. I only ask that the punishment fit the crime."

Severus nodded seriously at her. "Since the crime was one of academic curiosity, I suppose there is but one punishment."

Hermione's mouth went dry. "And what is that?"

Severus went to his desk drawer and pulled out a quill and a bottle of red ink. "You are to be marked."

o0o


	14. Chapter Fourteen

o0o

"Marked?" Hermione repeated.

"As means of evaluation," said Severus. "Now, remove your boots, Miss Granger. They are not appropriate to a classroom setting."

"And being nude is?"

"Boots! Now!" Severus barked.

Hermione shrugged and unzipped her boots. As she had foregone hosiery for the evening, it took a bit more effort than usual to pull them off.

Snape bent to examine her feet. He reached out with his quill and made a red slash across Hermione's toes. "I'm afraid I shall have to deduct points for your footwear," he said. "While the aesthetic was effective, the red patches on your toes indicate that they fit you ill, and not wearing anything between your feet and the leather causes odour."

"They're high-heeled boots! Of course there will be pressure on the toes!" exclaimed Hermione. "And my feet are not smelly!"

"They aren't, but they could have been. Now," he said, drawing a circle around a small bruise on her knee, "what's this all about?"

"I hit my knee on a desk last week."

"Wearing stockings would have concealed it," commented Severus. "That's another point deduction.'

"All right, all right, so I should have worn stockings! You've made your point."

"She's not very respectful, is she, Severus?"

"No," said Severus with a frown.

Hermione looked incredulously at Lucius. "Whose side are you on?"

Lucius smirked at her. "My own, of course."

"Ought to have guessed," she grumbled.

"Miss Granger, I find your attitude most disturbing. You will address us both with respect, or you will face the consequences. Have I made myself clear?"

Hermione glared at him, simultaneously cursing and admiring his poise. "Yes."

"'Yes,' what?"

"Yes, sir," she said, squaring her shoulders. If he wanted to evaluate her, she would be sure to give him something worth evaluating.

Severus stepped in and ran his quill up her side. She just managed to repress a giggle. "Oversensitive. Another point off."

She did not comment this time, she only smiled.

"And no less than four bruises from kissing," he exclaimed, circling each with the scratchy tip of his quill. "I don't know whether to deduct points from Miss Granger or to give points to you, Lucius."

"I believe the one on the left side of my neck is from you, Professor," said Hermione brightly.

"So let me get this straight," said Severus. "Your first bruise here," he tapped the bruise with the point of his quill, "came from me. Which came next?"

"This one," said Lucius indicating one at the junction of her shoulder and neck. "Also one of yours, I believe."

Severus drew a line between the first and second bruises. "I see. Then the ones over her breasts are yours?"

"Correct. The one on the right before the one on the left."

Severus drew lines connecting the bruises. Hermione was beginning to enjoy feeling the sharp point of the quill deposit cool lines of liquid ink on her hot skin.

"Her nipples are erect," pointed out Lucius.

"So they are," agreed Severus, circling each pink aureole with a line of red. He blew on the ink to dry it. Hermione was unable to suppress the shudder that ran through her. "Could it be that Miss Granger enjoys being marked?"

"Well, she has enrolled in an N.E.W.T.s preparation class. Perhaps we ought to have inferred it."

"Is that true, Miss Granger?" Severus asked drawing a feathery line across her still-damp inner thigh. "Do you relish people looking at you, listening to you, testing your knowledge and ability to think on your feet?"

"Oh, yes!" exclaimed Hermione as Severus's quill scratched a line from her navel down to her clitoris.

"'Yes,' what?"

"Oh, yes Professor! You can evaluate me as much as you please!"

"Do you think teachers like listening to worthless babble?"

"I shouldn't think so."

"Correct. Now be quiet unless I ask you a question!"

Hermione couldn't resist. "Yes, sir."

Severus frowned. "Turn around, girl," he ordered. Hermione felt the quill trace a long line down her spine. Gooseflesh rippled down her arms and legs.

Soft, wet sounds were emanating from somewhere behind her, and the quill, that had been drawing another line up towards her shoulder blade, stopped suddenly. Lucius must be kissing Severus.

"You must admit, Severus," said Lucius, releasing his mouth with a particularly noisy pop, "even you're having difficulty finding ways to take more points."

"I've been teaching for seventeen years," Severus growled, pausing a moment to kiss Lucius hard, judging by the sound of air hissing from their noses, "I know more ways to take points than you've had conditioning treatments."

"Such as?"

She heard him step forward, and the quill suddenly scratched across her left buttock. "Eavesdropping on a private conversation!" he barked.

Hermione gasped. Her nipples hardened as if from cold.

Severus made another line with a brutal slash of his quill across her right cheek. "Moaning out of turn!"

A third trail of ink appeared the back of her inner thigh. "Filling the air with the smell of wanton!"

She heard a sound of something being whipped through the air. Belatedly, she realised that it had been his wand, and she found herself spread-eagled on the bed, arms and legs tightly bound to the bedposts.

Severus smirked at her. "And the most serious infraction, deliberately attempting to inflame your teachers to inappropriate behaviour. It is my decision then, that you be given a taste of your own medicine. Lucius, if you please?"

Lucius knelt before Severus and began licking him with the same fervour and facility that he had used on Hermione.

Amazed at the sight in front of her and frustrated to have been excluded, Hermione tugged firmly on her bonds, but they did not give, nor were they loose enough to slip out of.

Lucius had taken the head of Severus's cock in his mouth at last and was slowly sliding his lips down the shaft. Hermione had to admire his technique- she didn't think she could take so much in her mouth. She was also amazed to see Lucius's Adam's apple bob when his lips neared the base of Severus's penis, which was followed by a soft pop, and a gasp from Severus. Lucius was sucking. Hard. Severus was leaning back against the bookshelf for support, head resting against archives of _Infusia et Tincturia Acta_ , and hanging on to the shelf with white-knuckled hands.

Hermione groaned inwardly, longing to touch herself, to rub her legs against one another, but the bonds held fast.

Suddenly Severus tangled the fingers of one hand in Lucius's hair and guided him to a standing position.

"Not so fast, Lucius," he said in a voice so guttural and thick that Hermione hardly recognised it as his. "I haven't forgotten that you are to be punished as well."

"But Severus, isn't sucking you to completion an appropriate punishment for making you so unspeakably hard?"

"For most men, yes. Given that you fall to your knees with a drop of a hat, I think not. Besides, being no longer young, I should rather spend myself buried someplace out of the ordinary, given that it may be my only opportunity this evening."

"You underestimate yourself, Severus," said Lucius, stroking Severus's cock affectionately.

Severus glanced at Hermione, who was wriggling on the bed, seeking either escape from her bindings or something to rub against.

"You may be right," said Severus, thoughtfully. "But you must still be punished."

"I wouldn't dream of attempting to get out of it," said Lucius, sauntering over to the box on the floor, and bending over in a most distracting way. "And perhaps what your faithful quill needs to keep the ink running is a dip in the inkpot."

He held up a small jade jar. Severus's face betrayed no response, but his cock twitched enthusiastically.

"An interesting proposition, but no."

"But Severus," coaxed Lucius. "Think of me!"

"I am," said Severus, "and I've decided that the best way to punish you for your antics earlier is to give that brazen hussy on the bed some of my attention."

"O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?" quoted Lucius, stroking his still-hard member.

Severus smirked. "In a word, 'yes.'" He strode over to the bed, still, she noted hungrily, in his tall boots, cock still slick from Lucius's attention, twirling the riding crop lazily in his hand.

"Look at you," said Severus disdainfully, running the riding crop down her side, "spread glistening before me. I could do anything that I wanted to you, Miss Granger. How does that make you feel?"

She managed a smirk. "Hopeful."

He scowled. "Have you absorbed none of your lessons this evening?"

"Why don't you release me, and I'll show you."

"I think not, Miss Granger," he said, kneeling on the bed and draping himself over one of her legs. "Having seen your handiwork in Defence classes, I believe having you tied up is safer for me."

"You confiscated my wand when you made me take off my boots. Where else could I have hidden one?"

"That, my dear, is what I plan to discover." He slid over her leg until he was propped up on his elbow, face so close that she could feel his breath, hot on her moist flesh. He reached out a hand and laid it at the junction of her hip and thigh. Ever so gently, he slid his fingers down the crease of the joint and danced them delicately over her exposed skin, sliding delicately around her entrance and up inside.

"You see, Miss Granger," he began in lecturing tones, "unlike you, I know that dangerous people are at their most dangerous when they are unarmed."

She let her eyes fall shut with a contented sigh, squeezing his fingers in the only way that she could, and tilting her hips toward him.

"A wand is not required to do any number of deadly activities." His thumb rotated upward and settled on her clitoris, which he pressed rhythmically against the underlying pubis. Even through the haze of pleasure that was already beginning to obscure her higher thought processes she was aware of his other hand massaging her thigh, stroking it with the fleshy heel of his hand, fingertips trailing.

"You do not need a wand to open a vial of poison," he said, running his tongue along the outside of her labia. She moaned softly.

"You do not need a wand to deliver a cursed object," he whispered, placing his mouth over her clitoris and nibbling it softly with his teeth. Her entire body arched against her restraints.

"And most importantly," he said, hoisting himself atop her with a self-deprecating smirk, "you do not need a wand to enchant a man into doing something he knows better than to do."

"Oh please!" she said, hardly recognising the husky whisper as her own.

"'Please' what?"

She was seized with sudden annoyance. Was he still under the impression that he was in charge? "Please, Professor," she purred. "I want you to slide your beautiful cock inside me. I want to feel you swell as you slip in and out of me, in and out, until you make me climax so hard I pull the bedposts down on top of you!"

The self-satisfied smirk dropped from Severus's face, and a fire that she had never seen before lit his eyes. It took her breath away. "What did I say about pointless babble from you, Miss Granger?"

"That you would find other uses for my mouth if I spoke out of turn?" she suggested with a slight smile.

"Indeed!" exclaimed Severus, claiming her mouth as he filled her with a fluid thrust.

Hermione inhaled sharply through her nose, eyes wide, as her brain shut down and her body took over. As he thrust into her, she dug her heels into the mattress and lifted her hips as high as they would go, then dropped them into the firm surface.

Severus groaned as he met her again as her hips reached their zenith, shifting his weight onto his elbows so that Hermione's breasts pressed against his chest.

Hermione's hands splayed and contracted into fists, desperate for something to touch. Finally, she managed to wrap her fingers around the velvet bands that held her and drove her fingernails into them, using them to leverage her nipples into closer contact with his chest.

A sudden hard pinch on her nipple and a simultaneous cry from Severus made her eyes fly open.

Lucius knelt by the bed, hands poised over hers and Severus's chests.

"Pardon the intrusion," he said, "but I couldn't help but notice that your arse is up in the air, and I thought it only gentlemanly to offer my assistance. Hermione, whatever you were doing, please don't stop. I haven't seen Severus this aroused since _Ars Alechema_ started publishing weekly issues. Severus, I've had quite enough of your having all the fun. You're not the only teacher in this school anxious to impart knowledge, you know."

Severus may have been frustrated, but Hermione noticed that the hardness within her swelled slightly at Lucius's intrusion.

"Lucius, go wank with one of your toys. We're currently occupied."

"Sorry, old friend, but I notice that not quite all your needs are being met."

"I haven't the slightest idea what you mean."

Hermione couldn't see exactly what Lucius was doing, but Severus gasped suddenly, and he thrust into her almost as a reflex.

"Damn you for interrupting my pedagogy!" exclaimed Severus, leaning on Hermione and shifting his angle oddly.

"Pedagogy, hmm?" asked Lucius, who was unscrewing the jade jar that he had produced earlier. "If that sort of thing pleases you, then who am I to argue?" He stuck his fingers into the jar's contents, and then leaned forward, grinning at Hermione.

"Do not concern yourself, my dear. I'm only making things a bit harder for Severus."

"Then by all means," said Hermione, summoning a nonchalant voice that she didn't know she possessed.

Lucius reached down with a free hand and caressed her cheek. "Extraordinary creature. Now, Severus, relax."

Lucius had a look of supreme concentration on his face, and Severus gasped. His penis twitched hard inside of her.

"Very good," said Lucius, voice rough. "Are we all situated now?"

It was then that Hermione realised that Lucius's penis was inside Severus while Severus was inside her. The realisation nearly made her climax.

"Oh God!" she cried, inhaling suddenly, body reflexively curving upward.

"I'll take that as a yes," said Lucius, leaning his weight into Severus.

Severus's entire body seized. "Lucius-" he ground out. "If.. I had… a wand…"

"Yes, Severus," Lucius hissed. "What would you do?"

Lucius pulled Severus's hips back towards him, and Hermione yelped, feeling Severus's penis nearly slide out of her. She thrust her hips upward to prevent the loss.

"I beg your pardon, Hermione. Severus is out of practise for this sort of thing."

"Sod off, Lucius," gasped Severus.

"Oh, I intend to," said Lucius, shifting his weight slightly and thrusting into Severus again. He reached his hand around and cupped Hermione's breast. "You really are extraordinary, my dear," he said. "Severus probably hasn't even told you how beautiful your breasts are."

"Oh, that's quite all right," said Hermione, somehow managing to keep her voice even as both men thrust into her. "It was understood."

"Lucius!" exclaimed Severus, "Right there! Oh fuck, Lucius! Oh!"

Lucius made several mewling sounds, and his eyelids snapped shut. With a hoarse cry, Severus's entire body seized; his arms locked, his penis hardened, and he climaxed hard into Hermione. For her part, hearing the word "fuck" on her teacher's lips sent Hermione into paroxysms of pleasure, limbs flailing beyond her control. A loud cracking sound followed, and the bedposts collapsed on the occupants of the bed.

o0o


	15. Chapter Fifteen

o0o

When the dust had cleared, Hermione found herself gasping from the weight of two men atop her.

"Ow." A bedpost had landed squarely on Lucius's back.

"Get off me, you oaf," said Severus, with no real venom.

Gingerly, Lucius withdrew from Severus, casting a Vanishing Spell with a wave of his wand.

"Where did you get that?" asked Hermione.

"Unlike your Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, I practise what I preach and keep a wand on hand at nearly all times."

"Get stuffed, Lucius," said Severus, not bothering to lift his head from between Hermione's breasts, which he was kissing languidly. "That's my wand."

With Lucius's weight gone, Hermione wrapped her legs around the backs of Severus's and kissed him. "That was amazing, Professor."

"It was my pleasure," replied Lucius.

Severus pulled his mouth reluctantly from Hermione's. "Shut up, Lucius."

"Honestly!" huffed Lucius. "I sometimes wonder why I bother fulfilling your deep-seated fantasies if this is the thanks I get."

"Correction," piped up Hermione. "I think that this sort of thanks is exactly why you bother fulfilling his deep-seated fantasies."

"I've no idea why I'm considering attaching myself to such an insufferable know-it-all," said Severus, securely fastening his mouth to her neck.

"Correction," said Lucius, fondly sweeping loose tendrils of Severus's hair behind his ear. "This is exactly why you're attaching yourself to an insufferable know-it-all."

He kissed both of them fondly, and then stood by the bed. "If you'll excuse me for a moment, I'm going to take a shower. I'd invite you to join me, but I have a conditioning treatment that requires the utmost concentration. I trust you can keep yourselves occupied in my absence?"

Severus waved him off, as his mouth was far more pleasantly occupied.

"Bravo, Severus," he murmured slipping into the bath.

o0o

Fifteen minutes into his conditioning treatment, Hermione joined Lucius in the bath and asked him if it was really pleasurable to receive attention from the rear.

Fortunately, Lucius had brought the proper implement to demonstrate.

Five minutes into the lesson, Severus joined them and offered Lucius the opportunity to make love to his witch, provided Lucius was willing to offer up compensatory entertainments.

"I thought you said you only had one good one in you this evening," commented Lucius.

"You were right," said Severus, smearing the waterproof contents of the jade jar on all appropriate surfaces, "I underestimated myself."

o0o

The next morning, the three of them awoke in Severus's ruined bed.

"Oh!" groaned Lucius. "I haven't been this sore since Bellatrix Lestrange made me stick an entire cucumber up my-"

"I remember that," interrupted Severus. "The Dark Lord rewarded Rodolphus extravagantly for each impression that he did of you sneezing out the seeds."

Hermione raised her head, eyes bleary. "Please tell me this is a bad dream."

"Sorry, my dear," said Lucius, kissing her tenderly. "Last night, you made love in every conceivable way to two Death Eaters, and you enjoyed every minute of it."

"Not that," said Hermione, batting Lucius fondly across the arse. "I meant the image of you with a cucumber up your nose.

"I guarantee, my dear," said Lucius with a smirk. "One not-too-distant-day, you will be amazed at the plasticity of the human body. And speaking of which, you did remember to take precautions? I don't think Severus would enjoy seeing you swell with my progeny, as brilliant as they would undoubtedly be."

Hermione stiffened. "Apart from the fact that we are not in the correct phase of the moon, I took a potion in addition to my usual Muggle method, thank you very much!"

Lucius gave his friend a sidelong smirk. "There you have it, Severus. Should she ever become unexpectedly with child, you will know that you were the only unsuspecting one."

Hermione kicked Lucius's leg off hers none too gently. "And now if we're finished discussing my reproductive status, I'm going to take a bath!"

"That was crude, even for you, Lucius."

"You're welcome, Severus. You'll make her a proper husband, irritable as you both are."

Severus stretched languidly on the bed. "That reminds me. I've been meaning to ask you a question or two, old friend."

Lucius idly traced his hand up and down Severus's side. "Do tell."

"Since you obviously do not intend to marry Miss Granger, as you had previously led me to believe, are you at liberty to disclose your true motive in bringing us together?"

Lucius insinuated his stiffening member against Severus's. "Simply the pleasure of having the two of you at once?"

Severus rubbed his erection against Lucius's. "I don't buy it."

"Then, I'm afraid you shall have to wait to find out," said Lucius. "But in the meantime, I should be most obliged if you would put that in me."

"Your arse or your nose?" asked Severus with a smirk.

"You are a frightful tease," proclaimed Lucius.

"Before I give you satisfaction," said Severus, "I must ask what you think we should do. It really is improper to be shagging a student."

"There's a very simple answer to that," said Lucius. "And it involves neither of us losing face."

Severus frowned. "We expel her?"

o0o

Ezekiel Tofty's face broke into a grin upon receiving resignation letters from Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy.

He filled in the date on the letter he'd prepared on Minerva McGonagall's advice, claiming that nobody would teach the N.E.W.T.s preparation course if even the Death Eaters had to quit and recommending that all the students be allowed to sit their N.E.W.T.s immediately.

Two days later, the students sat their N.E.W.T.s. Tofty himself was pleased to reward each eligible student an 'Outstanding' in Defence Against the Dark Arts.

The only lingering effects of the breach in testing protocol were occasional suspicious looks from the Senior Undersecretary to the Minister- not that she could have any proof of disloyal activity- and occasional complaints from the magical families that lived in the immediate vicinity of Caer Brech, claiming that their connubial affairs had been interrupted by a poultrygeist. These Tofty forwarded to the Spirit Division of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures with a shake of his head. Whoever heard of a poultrygeist with a moral conscience?

o0o

Hermione and Severus waited a few weeks after the close of the school at Caer Brech before allowing themselves to be spotted in public. As predicted, the papers were full of speculation, which the pair brought to an end by announcing their engagement several weeks later.

The Weasleys hosted their engagement party at the Burrow, which provided ample bushes and trees for couples wishing to avoid being asked when they would be following Severus's example to hide behind, and an opportunity for Lucius Malfoy to insinuate himself among the heroes of the past war.

Late in the evening, after Fred and George had managed to turn everyone at the party into a goat at least once, much to the delight of Aberforth Dumbledore, Hermione cornered Lucius over the punch bowl.

"I've been meaning to ask you a question, Lucius. Two questions, really."

"Won't you have another glass of punch?"

"No, I've had enough. I'm sure it's been spiked with something undetectable and potent. Veritaserum, knowing Fred and George."

"Then ask away, knowing I can't lie."

"Fat chance," snorted Hermione. "You haven't had a drop all evening. I've been watching you."

"Then ask your questions, my dear. I should hate to keep you from your fiancée. Unless you desire another tumble for old time's sake."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Two months ago is hardly old times."

"It's long enough," said Lucius, caressing her midsection.

Hermione pulled away. "Stop trying to distract me! I have serious questions!"

"Then ask, my dear."

Hermione grinned. "What is that tattoo on your hip?"

"You don't recognise it?"

"It looks really familiar, but I haven't been able to place it. I checked all my Runes textbooks, but I can't find it. It's been bothering me ever since."

"Well," said Lucius, leaning in conspiratorially. "I got it right after I sat my N.E.W.T.s. Severus and I decided to go bar hopping through Muggle London. I had a bit too much vodka, and we ended up in a tattoo parlour. I asked the artist to give me something transcendent. Something iconic. Something that would be meaningful the world over. I think it's really quite attractive."

"Did he say what it was?"

"He said 'pink,' but there's no pink in it. Just the triangle with the rainbow coming out of it."

Hermione frowned. "Do you remember anything else about it?"

"I may be mistaken, but I thought he said something about the moon."

"Well, if you got it in Muggle London, then I don't think Ginny's going to recognise it if it's anything really dated or embarrassing."

"You're probably right," said Lucius. "Exposing it to you was the part of the evening that I'd feared the-" Lucius shut his mouth suddenly. "Brava, Miss Granger. How did you know?"

"Simple," Hermione said with a grin. "You obviously wanted me to be open to the possibility of future engagements, but you also knew that Severus would never share his wife unless you had something equally precious to offer him in exchange. That led me to conclude that you did wish to take a wife. And not just any wife, an extraordinary wife. The other question in my mind was why you would be so helpful in getting me and Severus together. The obvious answer was to divert attention from your own pursuits. And with my friends and adopted family bending over backwards to accept me and Severus, your burgeoning relationship with Ginny would seem tame by comparison."

Lucius's eyes darted from side to side, trying to ascertain if anyone was eavesdropping on their conversation. "A brilliant deduction, as usual, Hermione. But what do you plan to do with the knowledge?"

Hermione blinked in surprise, and then allowed a sensual smile to play across her lips. "Nothing. If you can manage to successfully court Ginny after the diary affair, then my hat is off to you. And if, once you are married, you can convince Ginny to pursue Severus and me, then more than my hat is off to you."

Lucius gave her a warm smile. "My favourite kind of challenge: one with a marvellous reward. Now, my dear, if you'll indulge an old man with a question in return."

"By all means."

"How on earth did you persuade Severus to share?"

"Just an idea I picked up from a book," she replied airily, removing a Shrunk object from her pocket and slipping it into his hand. "I thought this might prove useful in your pursuit."

Lucius examined the tiny cover. "Perhaps it's my weakening old eyes, my dear, but I believe you've given me _Animal Training and Husbandry_ by mistake."

Her eyes sparkled with mischief. "Trust me."

Lucius pocketed the Shrunk book and raised his glass. "Hermione, I've said it before, and I look forward to saying it again: you are an extraordinary witch."

Hermione tapped the rim of her glass against his. "Here's to success in marriage."

"To success in marriage," agreed Lucius, "for many, many years to come."

o0o

THE END

o0o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that this is a completed work written for a specific recipient, and as such, concrit is not being solicited.
> 
> Enormous thanks to Mr. 42, my intrepid beta-reader!
> 
> I'm neither the first nor last to use the word "poultrygeist," though this incarnation was inspired by Robertson Davies's ghost story, "The Ugly Spectre of Sexism." Other literary inspirations are Harry Allard's "Miss Nelson is Back," Dr. Seuss's "Fox in Socks," and Glynnis John's turn as Captain Jean in "The Court Jester." Severus's line "Hastily lead away" is the last line from Shakespeare's The Winter's Tale. The story title comes from the same source. Mage-O-Stims exist, although Muggles know them, ironically, as Violet Wands. They also run on eckeltricity instead of Magic.


End file.
